So, this is my third attempt at writing this post. I have so much to say, to process, to digest, yet I don't know where or how to begin. Life has been full, overflowing. I still hold a lot of uncertainties about what our next step as a family should be. About what direction we should go in.
I have a long history of feeling insecure, both with myself and where I live. I always seem to come up against conflicts, especially with men. It's something that I've experienced since my childhood and I now know, that when it presents itself that I should take it for what it is, an opportunity to heal myself, to move forward.
Yesterday, was the anniversary of my sisters death. Five years. Five years of not getting to speak to her, of hearing her voice. We went through so much together and through it all, we brought one another a sense of security. When I was younger, I felt safe with her, I felt understood.
Five years of grief, grief that I have not yet been fully able to express. I guess that's normal. There are no right or wrong ways to grieve. It's different for everyone.
Yesterday, I wanted to celebrate my sister. I asked five good friends of mine, if they wanted to come sing with me. It's something I've done every year, since her passing. It's important for me to be near water, when I celebrate her. Luckily for me, the river finally began to flow again, next to the land I live on.
So we gathered at mine and then took a short stroll to the river. I was bare foot and it felt really good to get my feet into the water. Then, we began to sing. A mix of Rainbow songs and songs that my sister loved to listen to. Everything from Guns and Roses, to Candi Stanton's "You Got The Love". It ended with us howling together, which felt like the perfect way to end our celebration.
The last few days, have been quite emotional. As I begin to become more aware of the many layers to my grief and how it has shaped my reality. The more I heal, the more of myself I expose, like peeling back the many layers of myself.
On top of that, I have been working a lot. Busy at home with my girls, then doing care work, plus some gardening a d cleaning, which doesn't really leave a lot of time for myself. But that's just how it has to be right now. Life has me stretched at the moment, as I continue to peel back my trauma.
All photos used, are mine.
