I can't help but think about you. At this, your most favourite part of the year. You loved all the decorations, the tree, the presents. You loved to give. To gift others. You really knew, how to create a buzz of excitement around you. Like a Christmas fairy, spreading magic as you go. This is the fourth Christmas, that you are missing. I'm not even a fan of Christmas. But of magic, I am.
I loved, to hear the excitement in your voice, when you shared your plans with me. You were there for all of them, during my childhood and a few after that. And now, how I wish it had been more. Many, many more.
But you are not. Not here as my girls, your nieces get older. Not here to see them grow, in every way. I wanted to share it all with you. To phone you, when each of them reached a milestone, or blew my mind by their actions or words. I wanted, I still want, to be able to phone you and just chat. Tease each other, in a way only sisters can. But I can't and that's one of the hardest things.
These last few years, since you left this earthly plane, have been intense. They have been exhausting. And I have been tested on many occasions. But in-between, I have found time to blossom. My grief, in its own way, opening me up and helping me to release. To accept, to grow. Through all of that, I have found my way, back to myself.
Grieving still, but also feeling much more empowered. Life, has afforded me many lessons. Ones that I have welcomed and suffered through. Ones that I have allowed myself to soften through.
I have changed, as we must. But I would like to share these new parts of myself, with you. These new discoveries, I have made. All the discoveries, my girls have made. And yes, I carry you within me. At times, I even feel your presence around me. But it's not the same, because everything has changed.
