In my conversations with several clients lately, this topic has come up frequently enough that I have started to ponder it more deeply. Now, because of this, I have many thoughts to share... so if you'd like to joing me for the ride, buckle in and get comfortable. For a little context, I'm a professional counselor working in the middle of the "Bible Belt" of America - where traditional/conservative Christianity is a common way of life and worldview. This plays a significant part in what I have begun calling "shame culture" where I live, but I'll get to that momentarily. First, there are a few things I need to address.
Shame vs. Guilt: What's the difference?
Many of us can identify times in our lives when we have felt remorse or guilt over something that we have said or done. Phrases like "I feel so bad" or "I'm ashamed of myself" are common in this space, but they are communicating something much deeper and more pernicious than what one might believe. Guilt and shame feel very similarly, but the direction of the feelings is typically what differentiates the two. Allow me to break it down:
- Guilt is often a feeling of remorse for and action or words said, and the negative feelings are directed at the action/words which are the source of the guilt.
- Shame is more often a feeling of remorse for a way of being. It may stem from an action or words said which cause a negative response, but the negative feelings are directed oneself for being a certain way which created those actions or words.
The reason I call shame pernicious is because of this self-directed negativity. Guilt - more often than not - results in positive action or resolution, based on conviction about the event, actions, or words which precipitated the guilt in the first place. Shame, however, inevitably results in a vicious cycle of self-criticism, self-doubt, self-punishment, and in more advanced cases: self-hatred. This cycle only contributes to keep the shameful individual stuck in analyzing, criticizing, and hating their very existence because of their "being the way they are" rather than focusing on the solutions and growth that will allow them to overcome their own limitations and step out of the mire that is their shame.
Now that we are on the same page and can appreciate the difference between healthy guilt and toxic shame, I'd like to share a metaphor with you.
A Tale of Two Snowboarders
There were two snowboarders (make em skiers, men, women, non-binary... whatever would help you relate to them more: that's what they need to be) out on the slopes one bright, clear day. There was a decent snow fall last night, and the layer of fresh powder was a delight to ride on! Instead of following the typically paths on the front end, though, where others were already carving their own paths and packing down the snow, these two decided to try their hands at the wilder side on the back half of the mountain - completely void of beaten paths and other skiers, but also significantly more difficult and even dangerous. Our friends have been down this side several times before and had their fair share of scrapes, bruises, and broken bones from old accidents on the back side, but the call of adventure and the ability to carve one's own path has always kept them coming back for more.
As they embarked and began weave their way down through the terrain of snow drifts, trees, and rocks, our intrepid adventurers had one of two very different approaches. One of them remembered all of the injuries they received from times past, the mistakes that were made, and the few fearful moments where they were faced with their own mortality in very real ways. So, in an effort to avoid repeating those same events, their focus was on the hazards before them. Things like "don't hit the trees, avoid that deep snow drift, oh my GOD avoid that boulder!" are constantly running through their mind. The other, however, remembered all the same events and mistakes, injuries and brushes with death... and in an effort to avoid repeating the same events, focused on the path between the hazards. "I can see the path between the trees, snowdrifts, and boulders, and I want to stay on that path because I know it is safer."
Now I know I may have taken a little more artistic liberty in creating that scenario than was needed, but hopefully through the picture that I painted, you can see the point I'm driving at here: where you're focused is typically going to determine where you are going - or at the very least, how you fill feel about how things are going. Think about it. Out of these two individuals, who was probably actually safer? Much like one of my older posts about positive psychology stated, what we focus on is typically where we are going because that is where our mental energy is directed. If this is true (which I believe 100% that it is), our friend who was focused on all the hazards is in a load of trouble. Even if they managed to avoid all the hazards they were focused on, how free were they to actually enjoy the experience of blazing their own trail down the back 40 of this mountain they were conquering together? My guess is, they were riddled with anxiety and fear the whole way down, where their partner was able to stay fully present and soak in the beauty of their experience.
So what does this have to do with shame?
Shame and Growing up in the Bible Belt
This is where I'm going to get a little theological, having grown up in the Bible Belt and the Christian faith (which I have adopted more freely in recent years). What I have observed as a pattern in the church - particularly in the deep south, but I'm sure in other places as well - is a value on "keeping the commandments" (or "follow the rules," for laypeople). The unfortunate side-effect of this is that such a high value of "living rightly" or being "Christ-like" (more on this later) often results in indoctrinated and institutionalized shame! A classic example of this is the 10 Commandments. You know: "Thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not bearr false witness, thou shalt not..." and the list goes on. This is quite literally a list of all the things NOT to do as a people of God.
But Thinkr, didn't you JUST talk about how our focus determines our outcomes and all that jazz? Yes, I did, hang tight for just a moment longer.
There is a reason that this is referred to as "The Old Law" or "The Law of Death" in the New Testament: and that is that it serves to convict us that we are only capable of "deserving" death or destruction (stay with me, I promise I'm going somewhere with this). I don't know about you guys, but I have broken several of those commandments already, and I'm not even 30 yet! The "New Law" or the "Law of Life" is the assurance of salvation and redemption, regardless of how "deserving" we are, because of the love and sacrifice of Christ - which is the fulfillment of the Old Law, in reality. We don't have to be perfect because the perfect sacrifice has already been made on our behalf, and we get to reap the benefits of freedom from the law that convicts us of our "wrongness"!
Thinkr, you're starting to lose me with this theological stuff, what are you getting at?
Well, what I've observed in the Bible Belt is that what is taught in church and Sunday morning Bible class is far too often only half the story. In a legalistic, rules/law oriented culture like what I grew up in, there is a deep-seated shame based on the fact that there is no way we could ever keep all the commandments and live life "perfectly" enough to deserve our heavenly rewards AND YET that is far too often what is being taught and held up as the ultimate goal of a Christian. This affects even non-believers in the area, because the culture of "live right" is so deeply enmeshed in this area that we could almost sweat it out of our pores.
So what, then, just ignore the rules and live however you want?
No, what I'm suggesting is even more life-altering than that. I believe that if we are to conquer shame and live a life reflective of the goodness and kindness of Christ, we are to seek out the heart behind the rules and stay a course that is more lovely and "holy." And if you're an atheist that would rather do without the whole God-speak and such, there is a way for this to apply to you as well! What I'm suggesting is that we take the shame that we feel, and turn it into a positive, growth-oriented goal that will allow us to overcome the shame and continue moving forward "on the path between the hazards."
What to do with Shame
Those of you who are philosophers in your own right, and smarter than I am, probably know where this is headed already. To those of you who are still with me, THANK YOU! Let's get on with it, shall we?
So how do we beat shame and stay on "the path between the hazards"? What I have proposed to my clients and have found great success with is this: 1) Identify the shame for what it is, 2) transform the avoidant speech into "goal-speech", and 3) execute the plan. Let's see it in action:
Man, I really blew it last night when I got drunk off my rocker and slept with my girlfriend's best friend. I really deserve the hate she's giving me today, because I'm a real piece of shit.
Okay, so this may not be an L for some of you out there, but for the sake of illustration, bear with me. Here we have a statement steeped in shame. You can tell by 2 indicators: 1) the self-critical tone of the statement, and 2) the implied "should". What I mean by the implied "should" is that this person has a version in their mind of what they "should be" and they're comparing that version to where they are at and saying "who I am isn't good enough." How do we take this and change it into a shame-less, goal-oriented statement? Let's try this one:
Man, I really blew it last night when I got drunk off my rocker and slept with my girlfriend's best friend. That is not the kind of person that I want to be. What IS the kind of person I want to be, and how can I use last night's mistake as an opportunity to learn and grow closer to what I WANT for myself?
Now we have a positive direction we can begin moving, extending grace to ourselves for being human and prone to mistakes without making excuses for the mistake we DID make.
The sooner we can set up an expectation of imperfection from ourselves and start seeing "failures" or mistakes as opportunities for growth, the sooner we can get on with becoming all that we were meant to be and hope to be in the future. In this way, we "stay on the path between the hazards." This doesn't mean we don't get hurt or unintentionally hurt others by our words and actions, but it does mean that we intentionally respond in a way that is more effective towards a better way of living the life we want to live.
In Conclusion
To those of you who stuck with me all the way through: thank you. I genuinely hope that my thoughts have encouraged you today. This post has been on my heart to share for a while now, and though I know that - like me - it has flaws and imperfections, I hope that even just one person was lifted up by its contents, and that we can join together in waging war against shame wherever we are. If you know someone who is struggling with their own shame and would benefit from my thoughts, please share this with them to remind them they aren't alone, and they are SO MUCH MORE than their shame would lead them to believe. If you'd like to have a conversation about any of the points I made above or have questions, feel free to drop a comment down below - I love talking with people who enjoy getting deeply thoughtful. Also, like and follow, I'm getting much more active on Hive moving forward, and I would LOVE getting to know y'all! Okay, that's all I have to say now.... 2.1k words later... I'm gonna have to work on my wordiness, haha!
Until next time, God bless you all, stay thoughtful.