What is it about going to sleep? You close your eyes and then your mind starts running. I actually was so done with the day that I wasn’t even going to post on Actifit report.
I just wanted to get in the bed and go to sleep. I’m not sleepy at all but I literally don’t wanna do a thing it’s that weird in between space where you just want to be in bed and lie there and play on your phone but then when you’re on your phone you don’t wanna actually be on your phone and so you just wanna go to sleep you just want the day to be done, but at the same time you don’t feel sleepy at all, you feel tired but not sleepy.
Anyways, my mind decided to assault me with memories of things that I let happened to me by a girl a few years ago someone that I stayed in contact with and remembering these things that happened makes me feel very victimized I guess I don’t know. I know why I stuck around but man it was abusive. It was not good. I’ve heard that if you’re a woman with autism, you are actually percentagewise more likely to get sexually assaulted than the average non-autistic woman. Likewise, many autistic people get into situations where they get taken advantage of. And as I am still coming to grips with my own autism and ADHD issues I see again, and again, these moments that I thought I was just being stupid and I was letting people walk all over me. I totally saw what was happening.
That’s why I’m sort of traumatized by it yet I didn’t have the self-worth and I was just desperate for somebody to like me I was desperate for friends and I feel like friendship is not available to be in the way that it is a lot of people maybe my version of friendship just doesn’t work because I really wanted to have a certain type of life. But I get so bored outside of that life it’s like the ADHD on the autism I come back to each other all the time. Well to get off of that I will talk about what I actually did today. I woke up and went to the coffee shop and I normally go to drink coffee while I did some minor work online.
What didn’t make me very much but I was glad to do something sounds actually productive. I got cut off before I could continue. I was planning to work the whole gig and I hope that I’ll be able to go back to it but for some reason that the gig that I was doing just kind of said oh, you can’t do anymore so I thought maybe I’ll have to wait a little while and finish the rest tomorrow and like I said, I really didn’t make very much at all but it still felt nice to be productive. I left there and went and walked to the mall nearby was looking for vitamin C tablets there’s I have a health issue right now that I have seen vitamin C will do well to help out with and from there I went back to my hotel and took a nap and then I went and worked out at the gym walked home and ate my dinner, and now here I am talking into the phone. I have to go back and edit this. I hope everyone’s having a good day or having a good night depending on when you read this if you read this. Good luck to you all.
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