I was at the gym tonight and while I didn't have the greatest of workouts, it was still pretty worthwhile. I often don't have a good session, because I struggle to really push myself to get to that point where I feel like what I have done has made an impact, has stepped me closer to something, improved me in some way, made me better. And perhaps each workout has, but not as much as it used to. Still, while I caught my reflection in one of the many mirrors of someone that is unfortunately well past their prime, I also remembered,
at least I am here.
Getting to the gym never used to be a challenge for me, but now, doing anything is difficult. While I am surely not alone in thinking this, sometimes it feels like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. It isn't a logical feeling of course, because I know from personal experience that life could be far worse for me that the current state, as it has been earlier. But since the stroke, everything is a struggle and my motivation is very low.
Sometimes just showing up and trying is enough.
When I looked into that mirror and felt disappointed in myself, I was also left wondering if this is just the way we are meant to feel. Everyone talks about how we are "meant to be happy" but the more I live, the more I believe that happiness as a state is a lie. After all, it is just another feeling. It isn't that we can't experience moments of happy, but the expectation that we are somehow meant to maintain that feeling is quite crazy. Even being "content" goes against our human nature, because it is our discontent that makes us creative and innovative, that makes us want to improve things. Whether that is a source of suffering can be argued, but to deny it is to deny part of ourselves, and that isn't healthy either.
And like I was mentioning the other day about how we want to eat health and be satisfied, perhaps it is just incompatible with our wiring. Maybe this state of "be happy with yourself" is misguided, because it is impossible and therefore automatically sets us up for failure. Or it could be our understanding or translating of it, where "happiness with the self" isn't about being happy with what we are in any way, but happy with our condition of being unhappy, discontent, looking for something else.
What else?
Could be anything, right? And while there are many people who I have heard say "I am content with what I have" I am actually yet to meet anyone who isn't looking for something more. It is in our nature, and to pretend it isn't, is to lie to oneself. And, there are plenty of liars out there.
Yet, they hear that a person wants something in particular, and they will talk about how base it is, how unenlightened. Yet, the things that they want are not the same at all. But I think that while there might be a hierarchy of better and worse given circumstances, they are still all wants aren't they? Whether it be a want for more money, more opportunity, more peace, more love... All are a want for difference from the current situation.
Is it wrong?
I don't think so, but what it means is that if "happiness" is dependent on having what we want, it is always an impossibility. And, if happiness is being content even if we don't have what we want, to be happy, we have to accept that happiness is based on being comfortable being discontent.
Obviously, I am broken in so many ways, which is probably why I think so much about so many different things and observe through the lens I do. But, I guess there is "life value" in being broken too, because it means there is always something to do, something to improve, something to correct - nothing is ever finished.
Maybe being happy is boring?
Or worse.
Uninteresting.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
