There are a lot of personal milestones in life and as a parent, there are a lot of "vicarious milestones" - milestones via proxy. And, it isn't that they are completely the outcome for the child either, as it is the parent that got them that far. Today, my daughter hit a massive milestone in her life and one that fills me with fear.
She walked to school alone.
The school is about a kilometer from our house and it is a straight road. It only takes her about twenty minutes to walk the distance, but it is the crossing of roads that has me worried, as even if she is paying attention, drivers may not. But, this is part of growing up in the world as a parent - acceptance of no control.
Breathe Taraz. Let go.
She wasn't completely alone though, as she has a watch phone and called my wife along the way, because it was a big hurdle for her to actually be alone for the trip, so this way she still had some familiar to cling onto. And then in the afternoon, she called to say that she was walking home again and then was by herself until she rang the doorbell.
Getting her own key is another step.
It seems so silly to even mention these kinds of things, but I reckon one really has to be a parent to understand the feeling. I reckon when I didn't have kids, I tried to empathize with parents talking about their kids, but now as a parent, I know I didn't capture it well. Which, goes to show how useless empathy can actually be. But, that is another topic to dive into again one day.
But since I am a parent, I feel okay talking about my daughter and being proud of her, as well as content that my wife and I (mostly my wife) have done a good job of raising her thus far. It is difficult to know what a good parent really is, but we have been at least adequate, especially considering how rough some parts of it have been, in particular the first few years. Parenting is easy. It is all the other stuff that arises around parenting that is the difficult part.
Oh, that is parenting.
It isn't like the pictures you see on Instagram or in family planning brochures where it is all smiles and laughter, as there might be prolonged periods of tears. But, this isn't a bad thing, as without the pain, it would be hard to recognize how good things are and a lot of these "small" milestones would go uncelebrated.
We didn't throw a party.
We did say how proud we are of her. And inside, I know my wife has a lot of the same fears as I and is quite proud of herself for making it this far too. Mothers and children have a different connection than children and fathers. Not better or worse - just different. I am lucky my wife is a better person than me.
I feel that my wife can better embrace the milestone for what it is, whilst I am happy, but then quickly look to what the next might be. I think this is the way I am in general, as learning is the one thing we can do forever, and there isn't a lot of point in standing still for too long and basking in the success of one victory, when there are so many greater ahead.
But I am trying to slow myself down, to take more of a moment before moving on, just in case I haven't read the situation well, that I haven't learned all I could from it, before taking the next step.
Next steps.
@Smallsteps
Her life has been filled with millions of tiny events just to get her this far, and there are millions more ahead to carry her into the future. Wherever that may lead.
I hope she has a great life.
And I hope that it is great despite me, not because of me. I think parents do a lot of damage to their kids that just can't be undone, even though they may do it with the best intentions. It doesn't really matter what a parent does, it is never going to be good enough to not cause harm of some kind. But, I think part of growing up and becoming an adult is dealing with the failures of parents and becoming an independent person.
And then being independent enough to learn how to build reliable relationships.
Smallsteps was asked to take part in a university study for the next four years where they track skill progress through groups of students to identify what kinds of factors affect outcomes. They asked Smallsteps at the school and she heard "test" and said she wanted to be included, because it sounds like fun. I think that is an interesting study too and will get feedback along the way, so we have enrolled her into it - with the proviso we can unenroll at any time.
I think it is relatively clear what kinds of conditions lead to better and worse, but it will also be interesting to see what they are actually testing for, because the enrollment letter was in English also, so I assume they are testing across non-native language groups too. Again, this is something that both my wife and I are interested in, even though we have zero worries about our daughter's ability based on language. However, are her outcomes affected just because I am foreign and I don't speak Finnish? Probably.
But how?
I guess we will have to wait for a few more steps to be taken, a few more milestones passed.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
