While writing is pretty much a therapy for me, afterward, it doesn't always make me feel energised. Often enough, I feel quite worn out, like having a really good workout, and leaving little in the tank. I think that especially after the stroke, that is a good metaphor, because using my brain takes a lot of energy these days, and it takes some recovery time. For a long time, even when I was posting very late, I would stay awake to answer the first comments that came in, but these days, occasionally at least, I just have to let them go, as even though I want to comment, I don't have the power.
It is a strange feeling.
Life is speeding up, I am slowing down.
It is not how I had planned my life, because I had the feeling that I was going to be able to keep improving and be a far more energetic older person than I am now likely to be. Though, I am not giving up on it, it does kind of suck that I have pretty much looked after myself, but have had things happen that are outside of my control, which have enacted a heavy toll on my body, mind, and sense of being.
I think this is why I focus so much of my thought energy toward wellbeing.
Because mine is not great. And while I am probably in better condition than some others, I see life experience as very individual, meaning that it is incomparable. However, we do tend to compare ourselves to aspects of others who reflect our own interest areas. If interested in one's own physical appearance, it is likely to focus on the looks of others. If interested in money, it is likely to compare with indicators of wealth, like houses, cars and whatnot.
I value my brain.
Not that I am smart, because I am not. But I like having the ability to think a lot of thoughts quickly and process them through my various filters to reach some hypothesis or possible solution. It has slowed down a lot, and the gears of the machinery are grinding now, so it takes a lot of energy to get half way to where I could earlier, in half the time. Still, I value thought, which means I also value the thoughts of others. Which is why I try to encourage thoughtful comments.
It isn't always easy to have an in-depth discussion through comments though, as it takes additional time and energy to get the words out, and there is a higher chance of cutting down the labour by not answering as completely as one would if talking directly to the person. Then of course, there is the sense of putting thoughts publicly in writing, which attracts judgement, and that scares some people too. I don't worry about the last one at all, I just say what I want to say. Sometimes I have to correct it after, because I didn't say it well, but that is part of having a good conversation.
Building clarity.
As I was saying to a client yesterday in regards to what he considers his "bad English", it isn't about knowing all the words or grammar, or about getting all the pronunciation correct. It is about effectively being able to communicate thoughts, and as long as it does that job first, 90% of the job is done. Once comfortable communicating thoughts clearly, then it is about removing the barriers to understanding by improving tone, vocabulary and pronunciation.
No one is ever a perfect communicator, because no one is ever a perfect receiver either. There is a lot of assumption and opinion involved, translating into personal meaning, reading between lines (or not reading enough between lines) and various misunderstandings and errors made on both sides. Imperfect as they are however, having the conversations that matter is far more valuable than avoiding them because they are difficult to have.
If it is important to you - discuss.
And if it is important to others.
Listen.
Both are skills that I feel are fading, especially when talking about anything where people don't fully agree. The ability to have discussions on things with differing opinions seems to be on its last legs, and has instead been replaced by people polarising conversations, ignoring nuance, and only caring about their side of the argument - their agenda. Everything else, has no value.
After a long, largely disappointing day due to some work issues, my brain is fading and I think I am going to try to get an earlier night of sleep than normal. So, I am going to leave it here, and get to any comments I have missed today, some time tomorrow.
The conversation continues.
Taraz
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