My wife and daughter are having their hair done together this morning, as we have my wife's goddaughter's wedding to attend. Weddings are few and far between these last years, but the "next generation" are now coming through now, so last summer and this summer, we have had a reason to dress up.
No one asked me if I wanted my hair done.
The image is not from today's bride, though it is of "a bride" from a wedding I shot several years ago. I have photographed three or four weddings for friends, but I don't like doing them, as there is far too much pressure, and it is a mountain of work. If a shot is missed, there are no second chances, unless willing to wait for the divorce and second marriage to arrive.
The couple from the picture above, lasted a couple years.
I don't think that the high divorce rate is a reason not to get married in the first place, but I do think that there has been a degradation of relationships in general. I think there are several reasons for this, but unwillingness to truly commit plays a part, as does the on-demand nature of life today. We have become accustomed to getting what we want, when we want it, and as a result, the ability to compromise for others has eroded.
We are more selfish.
And while this is a good thing in many respects, there is a cost to relationships if we can't find a balance between what we want, and what others want who we need to interact with. These days though, it is more of a business model, where individuals will transact with others when they are able to get something they want out of it, and they will look to monopolize the relationship. Rather than win-win and grow together, there is a take all you can, while you can mentality.
Obviously, it doesn't come across this way day to day, but it happens in subtle ways and the more it does, the further apart a couple become. And when that happens, well, in this day and age, there is plenty of opportunity to look outside of the relationship for what is missing. And, because we consume what we want on-demand, we tend to find what we are missing in another, but ignore all the other aspects of them that are also important to us.
No one is perfect.
But, we have been taught "not to settle" over the last few decades, which means that we end up being hyper focused on flaws, rather than all the good that may lay in someone. And, the media we consume is continually telling us what flaws to look for, and what to desire. But, no one can possibly meet all of the criteria, because everything is mentioned. This means that one person always ticks some of the desirable traits, and some of the undesirable, and negatives way twice as much as positives.
The quality of society and community has fallen off a cliff in recent years, as has the birth rate globally. Perhaps this is a good thing in the long run in terms of the environment, but we should really question why we have got to this point, if we want to have a healthy society in the future. If the mechanisms and practices in place are leading us to disconnection, we need to find new ways to connect with each other in meaningful ways.
It isn't about the survival of the species, it is about quality of life. I am yet to meet anyone who likes to be lonely, and we are social animals. Yes, we all like to be alone at times, but lonely is something different. The more isolated we have become from our communities, the more issues that have arisen - especially in terms of mental health, which obviously leads to other physical manifestations and social problems.
And it spirals down.
There have been some interesting results from studies over the last decade on the outcomes of children from different kinds of parenting models and in general, those from married homes with low-conflict tend to do better. This is not set in stone of course for many reasons, but going on the averages, it is quite clear. But, what should be considered is why this is the case, and what kinds of mechanisms a marriage brings to the positive development of a child.
Is it the stability, or is it that they are able to see what it means to compromise for another? Perhaps it is that when they see people working together, they start to look to do the same and therefore benefit from the compounding multiplier. Individuals needn't worry about the needs of others, they don't have to make compromises in the same way. Even if it is little things.
For instance, the other night I made Pad Thai for dinner (it is rare) and served it into bowls with garnish and lime slices. Then I did something I always do in these situations - *I gave my wife the one that looked the best. I have done this since I have known her, and it isn't because I want her to say "this looks great" because she rarely does, it is because I know that she appreciates it more than I do.
I think it is like the "last piece of chocolate" habits, where most people will feel strange about taking it even though they want it, but increasingly, people are happy to take it, because they want it. I see this in the office now and it is the younger generation who feel more comfortable doing this.
If you want it, take it.
Fair enough. But what are the implications of this mindset and, what happens to the little nuances in people that are deemed undesirable? If you take what you want, you are likely also going to leave what you don't, right?
This focus on instant gratification and desire fulfilment over all else, has made everyone disposable, and knowing this, also makes people less committed. So, is marriage in the future doomed?
Possibly.
I am not a huge proponent of getting married, because I don't think people should do things just because they feel they should. However, there are benefits in it too, for those who are willing to commit to an experience and be open to learning the lessons. This is similar with having children, or owning a dog. If you are doing it only because you want to, perhaps it isn't for you, if you aren't willing to do all the other things to cater to the needs.
Well, it is time for me to pick the girls up with their fancy hair and take them home to get dressed for the wedding, and run my fingers through my hair and pretend it looks good.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
