Spending the evening with my daughter while my wife was in a late appointment was fun, as we walked and talked, visiting a little playground in the city we hadn't been to before. we always have fun together when we are out and about, there is never whining or tears from either of us - just good times. But, while Smallsteps was being a clown whenever I tried to take a photo of her, it got me thinking about a conversation I had with a friend recently about shame.
I think that one of the reasons that some people might be a bit fucked up, is that they haven't been ashamed enough in their life, perhaps not even thinking about it much at all. Yes, we have been told to "dance like no one is looking", but once we have moved into the digital age, a lot of what we do is done knowing that no one is looking. This means that we can explore ideas without fear of judgement, but that doesn't mean that it is always a good thing.
For instance, think about what kind of experience and material is available for a young male exploring his sexuality and preferences fifty years ago, compared to now. What kinds of opportunity did he have to see a naked woman in any context? No kid today has to worry about their mother finding a dirty magazine under their bed, nor is the movie sex scene being broadcast in the family room. These days, people have privacy of consumption.
Privacy is a good thing.
However, it also means that we are able to consume without oversight and without that sense of being discovered. This means a kid today is able to get access to far more graphic content, in far more realistic scenes, being influenced and nudged to explore a bit further, and then further. It is no wonder that youths today are doing things like having orgies in public toilets and filming it, apparently for content to sell on adult streaming services. These are not adults, and apparently, this isn't uncommon.
Should young teens have developed kinks?
Ask many women and they will tell about some of the "content" they have got in DMs - like dick picks. When I was a kid, it was called "flashing" and creepy old men wearing long trench coats on warm days were the main perpetrators. Now it seems that it is the equivalent of a pick up line. Though, I am not sure how successful it would be as a atactic - that would have to be a pretty marvelous penis for the women I know to say "sure" to.
Now, I don't want to kink shame people, now do I think that people should be ashamed, but I do think that a healthy dose of social judgement is needed in order to build a strong society. If we never fear the judgement of others at all, how do we end up treating people? There are consequences to our actions, but they come After we have acted, so if we have a poor sense of social judgement and feel no shame, we can act terribly, barely contemplating if it is the right or wrong thing to do.
We are products of our environment and if we are constantly soaking in more extreme types of content, with no regulation, no discussion, no feedback on its validity, we can be desensitized and normalized to it. This isn't a game, it isn't song lyrics, it is real people, doing very real things, all being seen through the eyes of someone who hasn't experienced anything real at all at that stage. It has to make an impact, right?
There are definitely pros to having privacy and freedom of search, but pretending that there are no cons is folly. Also, assuming that kids will be able to regulate themselves in time is also not a productive move, because the regulation will lean toward the increasingly extreme, as peers will also be consuming and supporting similar activities.
Birds of a feather.
The internet allows for interest groups to connect and there is literally a group for everything, from the mundane to the extreme. While it has helped marginalized people come together for better, it has also facilitated some of the worst traits of humanity to gather also, creating, sharing and normalizing horrible activities unashamedly. If you want to build some insight into some of the horror, this is an interesting talk.
We are living in increasingly weird circumstances, because all that we have evolved to be and how we act over the space of hundreds of thousands of years, has been twisted in a few decades. Up until relatively recently, in order to survive we needed a community and to be part of a community, we had to be a part of the local society. This meant that our behaviors had to consider others, because if we didn't we would be ostracized. Now however, we can choose isolation and still survive, creating networks of isolated nodes that join together and ramp up ideas, without the opposition of reality getting in the way.
Our expectations have changed, as to has our sense of entitlement, even though we might have very little actual experience to justify or validate our opinions and perspectives. And, our disconnection from each other digitally spills out into reality and even when face to face, we don't necessarily treat others as human.
I don't want my daughter to be ashamed of herself, but I do want her to think about how her actions affect others and understand that there are consequences to her behavior. I want her to be able to understand human behavior, read the situations and make good decisions, not assume that she is entitled to anything, because there is no such thing as fair in this life and she has to take responsibility, including who she chooses to surround herself with.
Take nothing for granted.
Evaluate everyone.
Pay attention shamelessly.
