My birthday is coming up in a few days and as usual, I am not excited. I feel like I should care a little bit at least - but I just don't. This is the same for many things these days though. But, even though I don't care, I know I will be a bit disappointed if there is nothing to mark the occasion. I know my wife and daughter have planned something though, so that is okay.
Something simple I hope.
Will I be disappointed if it is too simple?
... I don't think so.
It is not one of the big round number birthdays, so there is even less emphasis on it, but I do think it is nice to get some acknowledgement from time to time. I do wish that we were in a better situation financially as a family though, because it kind of feels like any celebration is unnecessary. But I think I only feel that way about any celebration for me - if it was for my wife or daughter, that is different. Without going into it here right now, I feel like I have let my family down a bit, just to be in the situation we are in.
Even though I had no say in it.
That is kind of weird. Though I was talking with the psychotherapist today about various things and she is of the opinion that I need to "mourn" the losses in some way. I asked, "how much loss can be mourned, before life is no longer worth living?" This sounds darker than it should perhaps, and she understands what I meant by it, but we near the end of the session and she didn't have a ready answer, so we can explore that next time. I do find it an interesting question though, because life is like an investment, as it takes resources and energy to live - there must be a point where it makes more sense to cut the losses than stay invested.
Dark?
Maybe. But that is not what I mean by it in this case. I think we should spend time considering these types of situations, because we are going to inevitably face negatives in our lives, and if we have only ever assumed we will only see the sun, we will be in for a nasty surprise. It is better to be prepared, even if the preparation is only considered at the hypothetical level. When push comes to shove in reality, only time will tell what the practical reaction will be.
Overall though, it has been a better week than most as I mentioned, as I had a surprise meeting with a friend, got a little bit more work and today, a new contact reached out to me and I've booked an introduction for us next week to see if there are any possibilities there. My wife is out celebrating a friend's birthday tomorrow night, so Smallsteps and I will have a daddy-daughter evening, and that should be a fun end to the week also.
I am still celebrating the small wins.
A birthday isn't a win.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
