A friend is getting divorced.
A friend is burning out.
A friend is lost in depression.
That is just this week.
It is common these days though, as the pressures of life seemingly mount up in every area, offering no respite at work, or in the home, with the only escape through distraction. The problem with distraction is however, that it doesn't take the problems away and without that, soon the pressure returns, often with more weight, because nothing has been done while the mind and body were distracted.
What is good these days is that people are able to more openly speak about the challenges they face and the feelings they have about them. It is far less taboo to talk about mental health issues, or for seeking support, which gives people more opportunity to actually find some, as well as others to realize they aren't the only ones struggling. I know that for me over the years, I have been far more silent in terms of my own struggles than I am today, because I value independence and see reliance as a weakness - even if it is just relying on having someone to listen.
And while the increasing transparency is good. I also can't help to think that it is also part of the problem, as people start to open up to an audience before they have really reflected on things themselves and tried their own strategies. Rather than a process of personal growth, it can become one of needing someone to step in and arbitrate, to give the answers, solve the problems, fix the broken toys. It can become the pill that reduces the pain of the headache, rather than the discovery of the cause and a change in behavior to stop it happening again.
Behavioral change has been high on my mind lately, where I recognize how difficult it can be to change, as we are conditioned through habit that what we do, is who we are. This means that changing leads to a loss of ourselves, which is perceived as a threat to our "person", even if it takes us to a better place than we are today. In different ways, all three of the situations above, highlight elements and the need for behavioral change, but each fights against it.
People don't want to be where they are, they want to be somewhere better, have more opportunity, more contentment, smile more - yet at the same time, they don't want to change the very actions that have got them to where they are today. Instead, they want to keep themselves as is, but have the results of different behaviors. Have their cake and eat it too - or eat their cake and have the results of being a triathlete.
Like all relationships, behavioral compatibility has an effect on outcomes and there is a relationship between what we do and the conditions of our present also. We are told to focus on the present moment, but if we don't consider the actions that have got us there and we are suffering, the present moment can be terrible and, there is little chance of creating the right actions now, to improve it for the next moment. Like my friend, we can become lost, wallowing in confusion and self pity, or angry and bitter.
Whichever way it goes, it tends not to be in one that improves our situation or deals with what we face, well. I know people who buy things, to avoid facing their mounting debt. Who play games, to avoid dealing with their failing relationship. Who dive into their work, to avoid having to acknowledge they are getting older.
It just causes more problems.
We have become weaker in the sense that it takes less for us to become stressed, but we have a near endless amount of opportunities to avoid facing the problems. We are able to kick the can down the road, or get the support we need to keep us from rock bottom, to delay the inevitable, that eventually, we have to change.
Rock bottom forces a change of direction.
There is nowhere else to go.
And I feel that sometimes, our ability to get support is actually a hinderance to us making changes to our behavior, because it doesn't let us fall deep enough to ask ourselves if there is a better way. Let alone that if there is a better way, it is us as an individual who will have to enact it, to be the change in our lives we need. Support is great, but it can also become a crutch that stops us from building the emotional muscles we need to stand and walk tall.
People are burning out globally, depression is on the rise, relationships are failing. Covid catalyzed and amplified these things, but they were on the rise already. When suffering is increasing, who is to blame? Can you suffer for another? Or is suffering personal? Can you truly feel another person's pain?
No.
When we are in pain, it is ours and ours alone. It can't be shared. The same with joy. But, through our behavior, we can influence others and affect their conditioning too, pulling them down or lifting them up. Like it or not, we are affected by and our behaviors affect other people too, so we are all part of the organism that is life. Being shoulders to cry on is good, as is being able to give people the space and opportunity to stand on their own feet, to discover for themselves, even if it means failing at times.
I am a big believer in feeling rock bottom, but I think that the best time to feel it is when we are young, because rock bottom at that stage isn't anywhere near as bad as it is later in life. The conditions can be lessened by inexperience, so the first breakups are hard, the disappointments in life not that serious - but they feel it. These early conflicts help us learn strategies to cope. However, over the last decades with increasing methods of avoidance, we aren't learning the lessons.
Not learning in childhood doesn't mean we aren't going to face the conditions in adulthood though. And I think that this contributes to what we are seeing today, where there are more people feeling the weight of the world, because they haven't learned to carry the weight earlier in life, they haven't lifted lighter loads and built up their mind and body to cope, to overcome. And now, there is an industry centered around helping, making getting help, another consumer activity and as we know, we generally look to buy our way out of problems, rather than make those behavioral changes ourselves.
Another avoidance mechanism?
One person's life of stress, is another's dream situation.
But we all have issues to face and our experience is ours alone.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
