For many people, it's extremely hard to stand up for their rights or to openly and honestly express their feelings and wants. As a result, they end up with troubled personal, professional, and social relationships. People who never push back against any injustice and "turn the other cheek" become easy to exploit and an easy target for bullying.
Is assertiveness the key to dealing with this?
What is assertiveness?
Being assertive means defending your rights and expressing your opinions and wants directly and honestly, without violating other people's rights, because assertiveness rests on mutual respect. When people communicate passively or aggressively, they send the wrong messages, and that has negative consequences.
Passive behavior: If you behave passively and never react to avoid conflict, you send the people around you the message that your wishes and feelings don't matter, so they end up ignoring you. For example, if you take on far more tasks at work than your colleagues just to keep the peace, you put your own peace of mind at risk, and possibly your close relationships too. The negative effects of passive behavior include anxiety, bitterness, resentment, feeling like a victim, and anger.
Aggressive behavior: An aggressive person tries to force their views on others without caring about anyone else's rights, and often tries to intimidate, humiliate, or even threaten them. Aggression wears away trust and mutual respect. Aggressive people breed resentment, and the people around them tend to avoid them.
What causes a lack of assertiveness?
Low self-esteem. People with low self-esteem tend to act passively, so they get taken advantage of and feel humiliated. They don't stand up for their rights because they believe they don't deserve other people's respect and that they aren't good enough.
Childhood experiences. Many children never learned to be assertive, either at home or at school. They were taught that they shouldn't defend themselves when treated unfairly and shouldn't argue back, and so they grew into passive adults.
Authoritarian parents. Children raised in a strict household where obedience was valued above everything else never learned to stand up for themselves.
What are the benefits of assertiveness?
Less worry and anxiety. If you face your fears and insecurities and tell the people around you what you need and want, your anxiety drops noticeably, because you find out that other people's reactions aren't as terrible as you expected.
More joy and satisfaction. When you successfully go after your goals and dreams, you feel more capable and effective, your drive to be creative grows, and your mood lifts.
Higher self-esteem. By learning to ask for what you want, you take charge of your life, earn the respect of those around you, and see your real worth.
Healthier relationships. When people express their needs and wants honestly and without fear, they're sure to grow closer. Passive or aggressive behavior never improves relationships; it damages the ones you already have.
How to build your assertiveness
Realize that assertive behavior is not bad behavior. Sometimes you will upset people while defending your needs. There will always be some who judge you negatively. What matters is that you know your rights and stand up for them while respecting the rights of others. That is healthy, appropriate behavior.
Learn how to deal with abusive and unfair treatment. Spotting unfair treatment is the first step, but the more important thing is being able to deal with it. That means setting your own personal boundaries. For example, if someone keeps using up your time and constantly asks you to do things for them, you need to say no and set your own rules.
Don't be afraid of conflict. You often believe that if you voice your needs, you'll end up in heated arguments with bad consequences. That's usually not the case. Once others see that you're defending your rights with sound reasoning, they back off and stop pushing.
Act with confidence, even if you don't feel it. Sometimes you may feel insecure and anxious about a difficult situation you have to face. Stand up straight, look people in the eye, and speak in a calm, direct and clear way. Share your opinion and feelings steadily.
No one will protect you if you don't protect yourself. People usually treat us the way we let them, so claim the space you truly deserve in your social, work and family life.