I have anger issues.
They don't necessarily present as anger though, because I have learned to manage them most of the time, however, they probably leak when they shouldn't. Like a person with Tourette syndrome, not quite able to control the words that are coming out. So I am angry. Well, this is what I have been told by the therapist.
And I get it.
The way my childhood was, my parents, the things that have happened with my health over the last thirty years, the family challenges, and the million other things. I am meat to be angry at the world, and scream ad shout. But I am not angry.
I am disappointed, if anything.
As a kid I lived in a fantasy world where I had the feeling that despite whatever I was going through, it would end up okay ad perhaps even, I would have a good life. Even a great life. At that time, I believed in a universe that looked to balance. But I was too naïve to understand that while it always finds an equilibrium, it doesn't mean the balance will be for me. It probably has balanced already.
Someone else might be having a fantastic life.
I am being facetious, as I know that isn't quite how the universe works. Yet it can feel like it is targeting some over others at times, can't it? And the therapist thinks I should be angry at the world, and especially at my parents. But I find that difficult, because as bad as they might have been as parents, I recognised early on that that is just who they were as people at that time in their life. Perhaps under different circumstances or timing, they might have been more present parents, but is that their fault?
I don't think so.
I think I have pretty much come to terms with that part of my life and there is no anger or resentment, but that disappointment lingers. Maybe had I had that support, perhaps those naïve childhood fantasies might have had more of a chance of being realised. Bad parents aren't necessarily bad people, they can just be distracted people, with other things on their mind, other activities drawing attention. Like I feel a lot of adults of the future are going to look back at their happy childhoods sitting in front of screens and eating junk food, and consider whether their parents did right by them and set them up for success.
I think about conditions for success and what it takes to succeed quite a lot due to my line of work, and I acknowledge that I wasn't conditioned to succeed. This is not to to say success is impossible to achieve, it is just that the foundation wasn't set well, making the building of the necessary frameworks and skills, that much harder.
Should I be angry about that?
What's the point?
But, whether angry or just disappointed, neither are useful emotions for the most part. Anger might be useful in some cases, but most of life isn't that kind of case. And anyway, if the anger leads to a lack of control, then it is likely going to decrease chances of success, not increase them. And disappointment isn't useful either, because there is nowhere to go with that, it is just a feeling of unmet expectations, and other than the lesson of "expect nothing", there isn't much to be done with it.
The only thing that I have learned through life in this regard is that I don't want my daughter to have the same kind of experience in childhood as me, and I want her to have the opportunity to build that foundation required for success. What she build upon it beyond that, is up to her.
The therapist thinks that I should find some outlet for my anger, but I am not sure what that would be. Perhaps I can start a Fight Club, though the first rule would be, *to write about Fight Club.
I am not much of a fighter.
Maybe I will use the days I spend alone, screaming into a pillow.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
