Maybe you want to put some pants on.
My daughter called to ask if her friend could visit after school and I said that first she had to verify with the other parent, but it was okay for me. She called back a couple minutes later and then added, "Maybe you want to put some pants on before we get there".
The nerve....
I have been wearing pants all day!
For once.
Because I have been home on the couch with my legs up often for almost two weeks now, I haven't been wearing pants that much. Even when I have been in client sessions, I have a shirt on, but pantless.
Pretty professional I know.
But the last few days I have actually gone out of the house a bit (with pants), becoming more mobile and am looking forward to getting myself moving. Sitting down this much is stressing my body, mind and spirit. But at least I know that it is in service to a potentially more active future.
Over the last few years there have been various campaigns and encouragements to ask people if they are okay, as a way to check in on their mental health a bit. The idea is that if we get the sense that someone is struggling or suffering, asking can cause them to reflect and open the door for them to talk about it, or recognise they need some help. If someone asked it of me, I would likely ask them first,
Why do you ask?
But, what if the answer is, I see you are suffering under the weight of your body and your knees are buckling, perhaps you should see someone about it. Or, it seems that you are struggling to take care of your children adequately, and maybe you should seek some support.
Would it be well received?
But, what is the difference enquiring about mental and emotional health, compared to physical, financial, or social health? Because they are all about our wellbeing as an individual, they should each be received equally, as they affect the whole of us. Yet, most people won't appreciate having someone question their weight or their parenting skills, or even the way they emotionally manage themselves.
We are very sensitive.
Being sensitive used to be a good thing in society, because it meant being able to pay attention to fluctuations in the environment. Nowadays though, being sensitive tends to mean that a person is affected by the environment, and that is generally negative. People are "too sensitive" and this means that they react to the environment. However the job of a sensor isn't to react, it is to read and measure the fluctuations. A sensitive person today, might not be very aware at all, but they can be very reactive.
While I don't think I would appreciate if people were constantly asking "Are you okay?" for every little thing they see is an issue with me, I do think that I would value more people taking in interest in my development and questioning me now, and where I might want to be. Not for their gain, but for mine. There is a difference when the person is asking for changes that they want so as to only serve their interests, and those who are looking to actually help the person first. This doesn't mean that there can't be win-win outcomes, but the one doing the changing should be the main beneficiary.
Over the years, I have known a few people who have suicided and it was nearly always "out of the blue" for those who were closest. Yet, I am unsure about how unexpected it was or whether there were signs that an "Are you okay?" might have highlighted. However, I have also known people to die from heart attacks from being overweight and not exercising, and people who have struggled financially and fallen heavily into debt, and people who are lonely due to a lack of social interaction.
Shouldn't they get asked also?
I wonder if we were actually a little more sensitive and a lot less reactive, we would be more open to receiving feedback and fielding questions that question our weaknesses. We'd also likely be able to be more helpful in providing feedback also. Perhaps then, rather than looking to react negatively to any perceived slight, we can become contemplative and considerate, seeing it as feedback in the environment we should be aware of and reflect on, to see if we are indeed, okay.
Wouldn't it be great to have a personal chef, a personal trainer, a personal coach, a personal psychologist and a personal guide to help develop all the skills necessary to be great at life and have a high level of wellbeing? It would be a bit like those movie stars preparing for a role, having all the help they need to get into the right shape, tune their accent, and move in the correct way. But unfortunately, not many of us can afford it.
What we can afford is peers.
A valuable social circle isn't one who is willing to pay for drinks, it is a group that is willing and able to help an individual grow. If a person has outgrown the group they are in and can either receive or provide any more support, it is time to move on and increase the challenge. It is a bit like some of the games my daughter likes to play still , as she likes them because they are easy for her. But, as I said to her, to grow, we need to do the things that are hard for us.
Like learning to take criticism.
Even when it is not meant to be constructive. It is not that we have to act on all the criticism we get in order to change to the whims of others, but we also don't have to react to it all as if we have been injured by it. We can always learn from the environment, and people's word and behaviours are part of our environment. If we choose to ignore any of the negatives and discomforts, we are omitting a massive amount of information that we could learn from, and grow from.
Am I okay?
And we are part of our environment too and we should take a look in the mirror of our lives and ask ourselves the question too. Am I okay? What are the consequences and benefits of being me right now, and is that all I can be, all I want to be, all I will stay?
We are always changing, for better and worse, whether we like it or not.
Taraz
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