It is amazing how it isn't even our wedding, yet we are spending an inordinate amount of time (and money) in order to prepare to attend as guests. Hair, makeup, new dresses, shoes... the list goes on, and it is long.
Just look how excited Smallsteps is to be at her first wedding.
She needed a trim anyway - it has been over a year I think.
While the girls are pretty much set and prepared, I feel far from it. These kinds of events used to be in my wheelhouse, but now I am not overly excited at all, which is probably down to multiple things, including just my general mindset after the stroke. Social engagement that used to energize me, seem to deflate me more than anything, but I am still refusing to go entirely into my shell, like so many others who have lived through a similar fate.
In some ways, it is like those horror movies where an entity has taken residence in the mind and body, and there are two very different personalities in play simultaneously. There is no division between the two, they are not split, but they are both struggling to live in the dominant role, both trying to expel the other. It is a weird feeling, because at the same time as this is going on, I "myself" feel that I am in the middle observing the ongoing battle as a third person.
As you can imagine, this all does wonders for my interpersonal relationships, since not only do I feel somewhat disconnected from the other two "me" in there, it is unknown which is going to be dominant in any particular moment. And, because I value personal relationships a lot, this makes it even worse, because I know that I am underperforming consistently, constant degrees of failure, sometimes more, sometimes less, but always failing.
What I have discovered though, is that no matter how I explain it, it is impossible for anyone to understand it close to enough to be able to allow for it, including my wife and definitely not my daughter. I really feel sorry for them that they have to be subjected to these versions of me and I completely understand why some people choose to check themselves out instead.
They found that stroke patients were up to twice as likely to commit suicide as people in the general population, and the risk of attempted suicide was highest in the first two years after a stroke. Among stroke patients younger than 55, the risk of suicide was five times higher than in the general population. source
It is also no surprise to me that younger stroke survivors are even more likely, because the thought of living another half a lifetime like this, isn't exactly appealing and can be downright depressing. How come after a stroke there aren't positives, like unlocked mental superpowers or the blocking of negative mental aspects that have held us back all the years prior? A few positive repercussions would at least soften the blow of all the negatives. There isn't even the social value of people feeling sorry for you, because it is largely invisible and most don't see any difference at all, so they assume that everything is all okay.
But as the saying goes...
It is what it is.
So other than checking myself out early, the only other option is to get on with it and do the best I can, regardless of the sense of constant failure and various personalities and versions of myself going through all kinds of internal conflict, suffering and indifference simultaneously.
As you can see, I might not be the perfect guest for a couple's "happiest day of their life" - but I will most likely keep largely to myself anyway, or spend the time playing with Smallsteps while the adults do adult things. She is rapidly growing out of the window that we have together too and will soon be off with her friends and have no time or patience for me. That thought actually makes me happy, because then, I don't have to worry about disappointing her as much as I do now.
Though I am sure I will still see that expression in the picture often.
Taraz
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