Could I Have Another Small Boy Please? This One's Split.

Yes it's that time of the day when my medication has worn off and no one at the facility can prevent me from writing balls all over the bathroom using chicken entrails. When you're writing meaningless drivel as a hobby there are few worse things than thinking up a great idea then spending hours at the computer as the words flow out of you effortlessly. Only to suddenly realize the reason the words are coming at you thick and fast is because you've done something almost exactly like this before. The same premise, the same old jokes, slightly rearranged. I've got no problem stealing other people's ideas, amending them just enough to avoid plagiarism accusations (with a good lawyer), but I draw the line at stealing from myself. It's not worth it. I found this out the hard way of course. Robbing myself blind at every opportunity. Without regard for the consequences. I didn't care about the victim. I don't care about any of my victims. I do care about me though. As the most important person in the world, it's my duty. Now, when I think back, I'm appalled at my selfish behavior. How could I take advantage of someone as precious as me?

(The copyright to this image is the property of Grammarly.)

I think sanity is vastly overrated. I've never tried it, I don't like the look of it one bit. When the world around you goes mad, it's always handy if you've got a head start. I can't see any advantages to being sane and rational. Neither can social media, so I'm not alone in this. Millions of people can't be wrong can they? Sanity can only get you so far in life. After that to get ahead you have to have something psychologically wrong with you. A deep seated mental problem that enables you to cope with everyday living. It's really handy being batshit crazy you know.

Let me explain my reasoning. There you are last in the lengthy line to the checkout. You could stand there being sane. Waiting patiently as an old lady empties her purse and starts counting change out so slowly it bends time. Or you could start an argument with your imaginary friends Malcolm the Marmoset and Stiggy. A bit of pushing and shoving along with some ear splitting howls will either get you served quicker or provide entertainment. People are going to move away from you when you start reaching into your pants then flicking lumps of shit at the displays. If a baby starts crying, cry back. Have a tantrum. Stamp your feet. Throw yourself on the ground waving all your limbs about.

When you want a double seat on a bus, plane or train go full mental. Talk to yourself and complain bitterly about how sore your culpeppers are. Manically sort through the fluff in your pockets. Separating it into different sorts while narrating what you're doing. Get yourself Tasered by a police officer, laughing all the way through it while declaring "This is making me really horny. Have you got any other sex toys?"

Pretending you have severe learning difficulties is always fun. Running around flapping your arms while declaring yourself a sovereign state, will not only get you noticed. It will get you avoided. As will masturbating furiously at the self checkout. Little life hacks like this will get you through the day, additionally they'll get you free bed and board in a nicely appointed maximum security lunatic asylum. If you fancy a bit of a change, why not start foaming at the mouth? Sane people don't know what they're missing believe me. Go on. What have you got to lose? Apart from your freedom and access to sharp things.