I've not been having a good time

Hey peeps.

You may have noticed my stream posts have kind of stopped, this is because I haven't been streaming lately.

On Saturday (5th July), I've have perhaps one of the worst mental days of my life, the previous week being pretty terrible as well having had to attend a job centre appointment.

I ended up getting into a state of serious suicidal thoughts, more serious than any previous time. At one point my mind was actively eggin me on to end my life.. which has never happened before. Normally the worst that would happen is simply going through the various scenarios and way I could end my life.

It's also worth noting that all my thought are played out like movies.. and often feel rather real.

Now.. I'm not the kind of person who would actually go through with something like that.. At least.. I don't think so anyways.
I'm stubborn.. I'm persistent.. I EXIST OUT OF SPITE of the bullshit I have to put up with on a daily basis..

But it's exhausting and on Saturday it built up to a level that proved to be more that I could deal with at the time. But rather than off myself I instead went about deleting my existence on the internet.

Towards the end of the day I ended up watching TV which managed to distract me to the point my mind STFU and left me alone.

Couple of days later I'm largely back to 'normal', normal being in constant discomfort, pain and being exhausted.

I've mulled over a bunch of stuff and basically deemed 90% of my social media accounts are completely pointless so they are getting deleted.

I've basically gone and deleted X, Instagram, tiktok, reddit, ko-fi, patreon, my deviant art account (never used it) and maybe a few others I've already forgotten about.

I'm keeping bluesky for the moment cause it's not terrible like X.

It's also made me realise that I'm been trying to be a streamer.. rather than just streaming because I can and I think that sucked all the fun out of it. It's also why I haven't been streaming because I haven't been doing anything on my PC worth streaming.

I haven't felt like play games or doing anything in blender so there hasn't been anything to stream and since I'm bringing streaming back to being a thing I do because I happen to be doing something on my computer I kinda need to be doing something to stream, Rather than trying to always find something to do on stream.

I have no idea when I'll feel like doing anything so no idea when I'll stream again or even make another post.

My only real focus is on my health which I'm waiting on results from some tests and then it's on to the next steps.

I'm just taking each day as they come and seeing if anything makes me feel.. anything..