Socializing in your 30’s and 40’s is way different than when you are in your 20’s. I’ve also jumped between cultures and city and country and between different social groups so I get disoriented easily. I don’t have any idea of what normal is sometimes.
One tricky part about getting older is that people have less and less free time and so they can be a bit stingier with their time. I certainly am. In fact, I find in my primary social circle, I am the stingiest with my time because I balance work and music and writing and study and most people don’t have as much on their plate. They have set working hours. I don’t.
I try to priroitize individual relationships over any kind of larger social circle and I’m never too busy to make new friends, but I find it’s not allways the case for many people.
People tend to be less eager to make new friends because they tend to be more settled into some kind of routine and some kind of group. They aren’t opposed to the idea of making new friends but its not really on their mind.
This is tricky for me, I never want to be trapped into a routine and I am constantly changing things and trying to meet new people because new people means new energy and new thinfs to learn and that is fun for me. In order to balance old friends and new, I don’t require constant contact with many people and I make open ended plans. “Im going here at this time, feel free to meet me there”.
Some people can get used to this, but because I don’t settle into a routine, I have to make more of an effort.
There are some things that I notice and it might be that i was spoiled with better looks and hair when I was younger but I feel people were much much more interested in me in my 20’s. Perhaps it was more charming to hear a 25 year old who still had a decade or two of youth talking about dreams and future. When people hear a near 40 year old talking about the same things. For someone older, they’re more curious about what he’s accomplished than what he might accomplish in the future.
I feel like it takes more effort to draw peoples interest as I get older, and a big part of that is because I have started over so many times and so not that much momentum remains from my most active years.
It could also be a sign of the times. I was years ahead of everyone on social media and having a larger social circle, and now that’s common place so people don’t always have energy for everything new that comes their way. There are far more people who have interesting hobbies and passions than there were in the early 2000’s, and culture has become more decentralized so more people are creators than ever.
I know I am not making up thus feeling that it was easier to get peoples attention before because I used to be passive and shy and people would always invite me places and show an interest in me and what I was doing and now I am active and outgoing and fewer things just find me without me making some sort of effort.
The effort has become effortless so I am not complaining but it is clear that something is different.
I think it’s also that people tend to be more open towards people closer to their age and the people closer to my age have kids and careers and are in some sort of routine as I mentioned. It’s not that younger people aren’t interested in me but there is definetly more of a barrier there. When in a room full of random people, they tend to gravitate towards people closer in age.
I also have to remember that I came to Asia at a time when foreigners were much less likely to be conversational in the local language so I was definetly a rarity.
I guess what it all comes down to is I was spoiled with more attention than most people, and now I’ve lost most of my social advantages, combined with losing my momentum, not being as social for a few years and moving around.
It’s not really fair for me to complain then but I find myself with new insecurities around this.
I find that when people ARE interested in me, I need to keep my cool because if I am too excited at my age, especially talking to someone younger, it comes across as creepy or desperate and lonely.
I am not overly concerned with this, but I find myself making more of an effort to hold back. I’ve always been totally in love with people. They have all sorts of problems but when someone is willing to show themselves and see you, it fills me with excitement.
This excitement is easy to misunderstand. I am not obsessed, I am not lonely. I just enjoy you. I may get busy or distracted too so I can’t make promises about the future. I just enjoy your company right now, and would like to build a bond that can last if it’s possible and I am excited about it.
Right now I find that two women are interested in becoming closer with me and it’s pretty fun and natural but I also feel we are all holding back because we don’t want to make each others partners uncomfortable. Perhaps this is something none of us would have worried about as much in our 20’s. Perhaps we would have even misinterpreted our exciting friendship for romantic interest and our relationships would all become complicated by that.
Being overly responsible is tiring though, as are social rules. I would have loved to stay up late talking to one of these new friends but even if I know it’s not a romantic interest, doing so could have given her or her partner the wrong idea, and she was probably worrying the same thing about me or my partner.
This is something that most people just say “that’s how it is” about but i always look for a eay to do things differently. I always believe there is a better way.
I find that as I get older it’s more and more important for me to create the atmosphere myself rather than just participating in things. Because people get stuck in a familiar atmosphere, they don’t challenge much so I need to create a comfortable space for people in order for them to explore different vibes because thats the only way to succesfully challenge the social norms that I don’t want to feed.
I need to be a leader rather than a follower, and creating an opprtunity for people to come and find me rather than me seeking out other people. I can’t expect them to just come and find me because they have their kids and their partners and their jobs and their own routines. I need to make it fun and something that they will want to make an effort to join.
None of it requires strategy. I’m not trying to trick anyone into being my friend or my fan or my customer. If I express what comes naturally to me, the people who enjoy the same kind of vibes will naturally feel pulled to it.
If my goal is to bridge two different communities or two ways of thinking, I need to create a space in between. As someone in between, this is natural for me. From there I can’t control who will want to participate, I can merely continue to make it feel better and better for me and continue to invite the people who I feel interested in.
I can start with a culture that feels right to me and build upon it with the people who choose to participate. We can slowly come to agreements about what kind of culture we are building together and because I have established the space I can steer the general direction and filter out things that feel like a threat to the culture.
In this culture, men and women can be excited about a platonic friendship and it doesn’t need to feel like a threat to anyones relationship. In this culture, plans don’t need to be so strictly arranged, but everyone can respect each other enough to keep them updated and let then know the probability of plans changing. In this culture, you can come and go as you please without guilt or pressure. If you join an event and you aren’t feeling it, it shouldn’t be offensive to anyone if you decide to leave early or join in your own way with your own rules.
I’ve got to think about how to build the culture around me, I think that’s a responsibility that we have to take on as we get older, and one that we can invite younger people to take up whenever they want if they show readiness and maturity.
Nothing good is built by force, we make it attractive through sincerity and fun.
I’ve been thinking about something for months now and I think it’s about time to start it. I want to host a regular art jam in my neighborhood.
I live in a place full of artists of all kinds and I’ve been a little disappointed with how they seem to completely seperate their art from their play. They have their shows and exhibitions but their practice and creation usually happens behind closed doors with only their most trusted collaborators.
A lot ofnit has to do withe the size of buildings in tokyo and the cost to rent out a space, but They don’t share much of their creative process and I would like to start making that easier for anyone who would be interested in that.
It shouldn’t be that hard because there are a number of spaces I could use for free. Someone just needs to start it.
I would love if painters and guitar players and photographers and djs and dancers could get together and teach each other and observe each other casually, not in a formal event, just playing together.
I think its time for me to get back to organizing these kind of things with less reservations than I had when I was younger.
I’ve been practicing here for a while but It’s time to step into some new shoes in my physical life too.
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