Perpetual Burnout

These days the thing that I struggle with the most is expectations.

I truly thought that I had slayed this beast already, that I was OK with the outcome as long as I could enjoy the process.

I’m not sure that is the case or ever will be the case. I feel myself in a perpetual state of burnout, not because I’m doing too much work, but because the results of my work never seem to match the effort put in. They never have and sometimes I feel they never will.

When I look at my life now compared to 10 years ago, I see clearly all of the improvements, all the things I wanted that I thought were impossible that I have now. But while I’ve progressed dramatically in certain areas, i’ve only made baby steps and others.

The fact is that I’ve always asked too much out of life. It’s just in my nature. I can’t help it and I don’t want to change it. I like that I dream big and I refuse to dream small. If there’s no position for someone like me I will do everything I can to make a position for someone like me. But that kind of mindset will require you to work a lot harder than other people.

The rewards will be great but you can’t predict when they’ll come or how they’ll come because you’re paving a road somewhere that’s never been paved before.

People won’t likely go down that road easily because they don’t know anyone else who’s gone down it, but once they do that’s when the vibrant towns will start to be built along the path you built. It may happen after you are gone.

That hurts to think about.

I would like to think that I have some kind of impact on the world around me, and in fact, it’s undeniable that I do. The issue I have is that while I do have an impact on the world around me I have no impact on what the how or the when.

What I mean by that is putting the right energy into it will undoubtedly have a positive impact, but it will never be exactly the impact that I intend and sometimes the seeds will only grow into trees many years later.

I routinely burn out on the lack of results I feel my work produces. It’s hard to give myself credit for just how much I have achieved because it doesn’t look like much on the surface. But the fact that I’ve built everything from the ground up is a testament to how much I can achieve.

Still the mine doesn’t work in that way. And I’m left questioning why I put so much effort into things that I’ll likely never fully accomplish.

enjoy the process. Enjoy the process. Enjoy the process. Why is it so hard? I’m trying to enjoy the process, but every second I feel there’s something I could do to make this work better and I should be doing as much as I can. This is the cause of the burnout.

I’ve never fully been accepted by society and I likely never will be. the thing is, I’m not sure the people accepted by society are actually accepted by society. The masks they wear are accepted by society, not them.

And so it goes.

I feel more and more people jealous of the life that I’m living, as their stable lives start to expose themselves as instable fickle existences. All existence is fickle. Everything changes. I just realize that earlier than other people, and so I started facing the existential dread that comes from that from an early age.

Too bad for me it took me so long to focus enough to actually do anything.

This is just me processing some emotions, I feel quite fine. Of course I’ll probably feel better when bitcoin is up and on days where people actually care about what I’m doing, and tell me that I’ve had a positive impact on them.

Maybe someday I’ll feel that the effort I put in is directly resulting in my well being, and that this universe isn’t just random sparks meant to fuck with us until we are nothing but appreciative.
As of right now I still feel like a hunter gatherer. The fruits of my labor are unpredictable.

My trees aren’t mature enough to bear fruit reliably. I think I’ve come to a point where I can accept unpredictability, but I also feel I’ll be in a much better state of mind when I have created a semi-reliable system.

I believe that’s all I want right now, and maybe when I get it I want something else but I filled it this old old sense of hopelessness stems from that feeling that trees won’t grow here. That I need to keep foraging and that cultivation is meaningless.

I know it’s not really the case but there are days where having hope it’s hard.

These feelings were sparked when I decided to rebrand my podcast in YouTube channel. I suddenly decided that I wanted everything to be simpler and less strategic. So I made a strategy to be less strategic…. ha ha ha and ha.

I know it’s ridiculous but you have to forage until your trees bear fruit. I shared the new design on social media and it got zero response. ZERO. This led me to feel that actually nobody liked it and I’d have to keep brainstorming a new kind of image to get across what I’m trying to get across. Or that maybe I would have to do what everyone who makes money online tells me I need to do and stick to one niche. Sorry. That’s just not me.

So I tried to turn everything into an anti-brand. No trying to convince you that this is something or other. Just that it’s me. If you know me, you know what to expect. I stopped thinking about drawing attention from new people that don’t know me and milk the algorithms, and started trying to create a consistent image that would let anyone who knows me recognize my videos or podcasts immediately.

So my current goal now with anything I create is not to bring in new people it’s to keep the people I already have and get them more interested. I don’t know how to reach 1 million people or thousand people. I don’t think I even want a million. 1000 maybe.

I have 100 people who stop by sometimes. I think all I need to do now is become consistent enough so that most of them stop by most of the time. The rest will work itself out. Or maybe it won’t I don’t know. Like I said I don’t have any control over the outcome. I can only speculate.

So what do you think? Do you hate it? Is it ugly? Is it too vague?

Like I said I’ve given up on trying to catch new eyes, so I don’t care if it’s something that lots of people will click on. I just want the people that already know me and know what I am about to take notice and to get excited when I share something new. That’s it.

Maybe I got no feedback because Twitter and Instagram realize I’m trying to take people off platform, maybe I post at the wrong time of day, or maybe everyone hates it.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

I keep trying to find a way to present myself in a way that is both honest and attractive. But maybe I’m not attractive. And if that’s the case, so be it. Maybe I’ll continue and maybe I won’t.

Maybe one day I’ll give up the grind, stop trying to make life better, and just enjoy the rest of my days not being able to plan for the future or to build anything sturdy. But I guess that they hasn’t come yet and so here I am talking about how frustrated I am.

😆

It’s good to be alive. I guess.

I think I feel a little better after sharing that. I hope I do. I will let you know.

Go get addicted to my videos and push me to make some more please. Let’s make this positive feedback loop!