Sometimes I have to ask myself if I really am at war with the world, if my desire to frame things peacefully is a form of denial.
It’s clear that society sees me as a defect.
I belong to many groups in a sense but truly I belong to none. I never wanted to lead or follow and so it’s left me homeless with many place I can stay. I am welcome everywhere but feel at home no where. No one speaks my language, and I don’t get the sense that they want to now that I have stopped trying to pander to them.
I could “easily” make more money but I don’t. I don’t find the point in straining myself to earn a deflating currency in a world where that work will become increasingly obsolete. I don’t want to compete over resources when there is enough to go around.
I’d rather strarve by my ideals than betray them, and yet I know with every bone in my body that I won’t have to starve, that life has a rhyme and reason, that we end up in the lives that allow us to become what we most want to become, either this time around or the next.
I know that if I continue to follow my inspiration, I will reach higher and higher peaks indefintely until I’ve exhausted the life in the body and throw it away to start again or to go somewhere else or to dissolve in the ocean.
So why might I be at war?
Because I know I am headed in the right direction, but I feel the roadblocks, in one sense placed by the universe, are also place intentionally by people who do not want me to exist.
Whether I declare war on them by saying things like “resist” and calling myself “anti” and treating them as seperate from myself, or I try to see them as an extention of the same life of the universe that is a part of me, I will get where I am going, but which is the direct path and which is the roundabout way.
This I do not know.
I see some get there much faster and easier than me, and gather far more support, those who seem to say things that resonate with so many and who can pierce through reality with a single utterance. But sometimes I think they sacrifice their integrity and their souls and that they are merely living a facade, a persona that everyone else believes in. Perhaps they believe in it too.
I have made an effort not to make any enemies, and I often hear that that is not genuine or that it means I am not being direct enough, but when you job is to build bridges, is that really the case?
I will continue to ask the universe and see how it answers…
I will continue to make art that inspires me, that makes me feel “fuck yeah”, even if it gets less and less respect from others. It doesn’t fit into their worldview, it isn’t flashy in any way, it seems amateur but I fucking love it so how could I change it just to please others?
And I know there will be those who say that’s exactly how I should be, but they don’t stick around when that is how I an and so their advice means little to me. But my soul tells me that if I love it then it is right, and so I will continue like this.
