I've visited Buddhist Temples. I've written a dozen pages about mindfulness. I do yoga almost everyday. You'd think that meditation would be an easy extension from there.
But the truth is, I'll do almost anything to get out of sitting with myself in a state of meditation or mindfulness. I prefer to bulldoze through my day without tuning in to myself, because the walls of my mind often feel cage doors holding back a pile swirling anxieties. Who would want to hang out in there? It's so much easier to focus on external things instead.
I'm really good at accommodating other people needs. It's my job as a medical assistant and it's an asset in my personal life in a lot of ways too. I fill up my mental space with thoughts relating to how I can make other people feel better, cared for and make their lives easier.
I have been this way for a very long time. Growing up in a broken home with very angry people taught me to be a peacekeeper. I survived my childhood by being the one who never spoke up, never broke the rules, anticipated how others were feeling and how they might react. The problem with this coping mechanism is that I never learned to explore my own wants and desires. I never took the time to figure out who the hell I am.
This has manifested itself in many ways in my adult life. I've fought (and mostly won) battles with depression, anxiety and an eating disorder. Mindfulness, yoga and fitness have been instrumental in my ability to overcome each of those struggles. But as @AustinHopper can attest, I'm still leaps and bounds from completely free of them. I pretend to not know how to improve my mental agility. But the truth is-- I know that I need, more than anything--to meditate.
So yesterday I gave it a try. It was a long and trying day at work, so I did some vinyasa first thing to calm myself and then decided to try a session of meditation. Here's how that went:
The first ten seconds.
"Okay, I'll just try and relax and concentrate on my breathing to start. What was it was did at the temple in Columbus? Oh yeah, Focus on the space between your nose and your mouth as you breathe."
Twenty seconds in.
"Maybe I'm focusing too much on my breath. I feel like I'm going to hyperventilate. Okay, I just need to bring my thinking back to my breath..I'm just wandering...bring it back, Ashley."
One minute in.
"I just feel like I can't pull my breath in far enough. I feel like I'm gasping. Why do I feel so anxious too.."
One minute and thirty seconds later.
Full-on anxiety attack. Which hasn't happened to me in years.
I live so far outside myself. I come back to be present only in the moments I am happy or feeling pleasure. Does that make me the definition of Buddhist suffering?
I'm not going to give up. I can't move through life a stranger to myself. I can't sustain happiness just by pleasing other people-- It's never enough and ultimately perpetuates a feeling of inadequacy. I have to face my struggle to meditate head-on. I have a feeling that on the other side is a woman who knows her own voice and desires and who truly loves herself like I cannot now.
Thanks for reading about my mediation journey. I'll keep you posted about how my next try goes.
