To be honest with y'all, there are times I feel a lot pressured, like I placed an heavy weight on my own head. And this particular prompt is one that has taken me to think back on a lot of things, and the pressure I have on me is not one birthed from being around people or people's opinion, no. It was one that was birthed from inside of me. And that's the pressure to succeed and be impactful. I just want to live a good life and make everything I've had to go through really worth it.
According to my own plan while still growing up and even up until about 7,8 years ago, I shouldn't be here by now. Even if I'm not very much settled, I shouldn't just be serving now, and I shouldn't still be trying to do/fix things this hard. But life has it's way of doing it's thing too. Health challenges came by and it affected my parents finances in way's I can't even begin to say. And that was sheonmy plans and my life got delayed too, but even in all of that I refuse to give in, I refuse to give up, unkept holding onto hope.
I'm not so hard on myself as my body (health) wouldn't even be able to take too much, but to some extent I am. And I guess the reason why I can't afford to be so soft on myself is because if what I've had to go through and what I've seen my parents pass through. When someone says they need help, when someone couldn't hide things anymore or keep things to themselves, I understand these things so well, I've been there before. So, all of those things wouldn't even allow me be that soft on myself because I know these things and I really want to be in a position to help others and help ease their burdens. So, it goes beyond just surviving or living for myself, I also want to be useful, I want help, I want to impact lives for good, I want to look back one day and feel happy that I didn't waste the second chance to live I was given.
And to be honest, this present time is one that I'm feeling like everything is moving to slow. Like life and time is moving fast, yet it seems I'm just managing to drag behind. I feel behind and the pressure seems to increase the more, I can't stop thinking about the future, I can't even stop thinking about now. And just like I always remind myself if I feel I'm overthinking already, I would just call myself back home and remind myself what I'm aiming for and focusing on the pressure wouldn't help me, overthinking wouldn't sort it and staying down wouldn't change anything.
Like I said earlier, life will always do it's thing either in big or small ways, and even though I'm still in my twenties, I've experienced so much that I can't think of anything that will be able to stop me from trying. Even when I get disappointed or life decides to shade me another shade, still I don't stop. And like I said earlier too, I don't push myself too much, but I keep reminding myself to keep going forward even if it's small, little movement forward is still progress. And even though I'm not where I want to be yet, I see myself getting there.
I know what gives birth to this pressure, it's not something that will fade or that I can forget, and for that reason I really want to live a meaningful life, a life that give hope to others, a life that shows there's definitely light at the end of the tunnel, a life that showed how that life came at me to end my journey it it find itself just slowing me down for a while.... because I won't stop believing, I will keep my hopes alive, and am sure that no matter what, I'm gonna achieve everything I plan to...by the special grace of God 馃檹.
馃尮
Images are mine.
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