Today I'm choosing to cry instead of going numb or running away. Even though in this moment I feel gross and alone I know on the other side of my tears is strength and growth..... Love, tears, feeling, healing and growth.
My mind, my heart, my body, my past, my present, my future - the tears seem to be originating from many different parts of me. I'm intentionally remaining open and vulnerable. I'm pushing myself to release what I'm feeling but as I go deeper I'm starting to feel extremely uncomfortable. I don't want to deal with this. I'm resisting.
My brain won't stop trying to figure out problems I'm incapable of figuring out right now in this moment.... and my head hurts.
The weight of my life is on my shoulders and I want to run away. Run away from the chaos that so often runs rampant in my head, run away from the tears, the pain, the fear and the anxiety.
But the wisdom I've gained over the years is telling me running away won't change or solve a damn thing. I will only be crying in a different location. The pain will feel the same in a different coffee shop, different lounge, different city.
The truth is, we can't run away from what's inside of us. We can numb it for a while, push it away temporarily but eventually it rises to the surface and forces us to deal. The sooner we deal with ourselves the sooner we can stop running. The sooner we can stop running the sooner we are free.
Freedom for myself means staring my scariest, darkest, most irrational emotions in the face and slowly, softly leaning in and kissing them long and deep. Grabbing them by the back of the head and pulling them closer. Letting them know I don't judge them or hate them. I want them to know I would like to understand them on an intimate level.
I want to arrive in this place. I know if I stand a chance of achieving this emotional maturity. I can't run. I have to face and manage all the uncomfortable emotions that I experience as a hyper feminine sensitive woman. I need to be an adult. I need to claim this right and fully step Into this role. This means leaving my little girl behind. I've made peace with her, it's time to say goodbye.
Adults don't run away when things get hard. They stay, they face the pain, the discomfort and they come out the other side with an incredible amount of wisdom.
The harder I push myself and the more love I pour onto myself once I've step through. The more I learn about myself. I have begun to understand what makes me this glorious messy, passionate, lovely , complicated, gifted woman.
No more running, No more judgement, no more resistance. I can do this and when I mess it up and I can try it again. It truly gets easier to feel the more you do it.
Acceptance and love, love and acceptance. Cry, learn, look deeper, push yourself harder, remain open, embrace life's challenges and keep moving towards that magnificent woman you are becoming.
