Today I want to address what I feel is the most misunderstood parenting topic: behavior management. By behavior management I mean the application of consequences, discipline, or punishment in response to our children’s behavior. This concept is so misunderstood because many people equate consequences with discipline and punishment. Aren’t they the same thing? No, they are actually very different. In fact, discipline and punishment are not synonymous either. Now I can see the looks on consternation on many readers’ faces, so allow me to elaborate.
I’m going to start from the end with punishment. The concept of punishment often comes to mind when the words “discipline” and “consequences” are used. Punishment is, of course “the infliction or imposition of a penalty as retribution for an offense.” The word “punishment” carries a very negative feeling of having things taken away, being spanked, or fined, or other unpleasant outcomes. Whatever form it comes in, it is always negative.
These days, the concept of discipline has become synonymous with punishment and negative outcomes as well. In fact, when I was consulting the dictionary for this post, I found that the definition of “discipline” has actually been officially changed to “the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience.” This was not always the case. Miriam Webster lists “instruction” as an “obsolete” definition for discipline, but it has maintained a similar definition which indicates that the word did not always have such a negative connotation: “training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character”. Discipline is also the character trait that results from such training and instruction, and might also be called “self-control”. Developing these skills in our children is the ultimate goal of parenting. (More on discipline as the ultimate goal of parenting here.)
Finally we come to consequences. I have written a little about consequences in other posts. A consequence is simply “a result or effect of an action or condition.” Many parents equate consequences with punishments, but they can actually be very different. Consequences may be positive, negative, both, or neither, because they are just the results. Negative consequences tend to be obvious. I speed and get pulled over, I get a ticket. Positive consequences are generally easy to spot as well. I show up at my office and do my work, I get paid. Some consequences are more ambiguous or complicated. The consequence of me getting a promotion might be that I get more money (positive to most people), but I also might have more work (could be positive or negative depending on the circumstances), and I might also be open to more scrutiny and criticism (probably negative).
So how does all this semantic jargon apply to parenting? Understanding these terms helps us to more clearly define our approach to managing our children and their behavior, which is one of the major jobs of a parent. Which approach is the best is strongly debated, and a topic for debate in another post. For many years, punishment was considered the way to go. Many of us, and even more of our parents, experienced the sting of a hand, belt, or paddle on our backsides growing up. Even more of us experienced forms of modern “discipline” (aka negative consequences) such as grounding, extra chores, or having privileges removed. A lot of us likely also experienced some sort of positive consequences. Maybe you received an allowance for doing your chores, or maybe you were rewarded with ice cream or a sleep over for getting good grades in school.
Whatever form of behavior management you experienced as a child, think about how you responded to it. Were you afraid of getting spanked, or were you defiant in the face of the paddle? Did you think about the fact that you might get grounded before you misbehaved? Were you actually motivated by working toward your allowance? How we responded to our parents’ attempts to manage our behavior has to do with our personalities, as well as their attitude in giving the consequences (positive or negative) and, of course, their consistency. The same is true of our children. Take a moment to think about your behavior management style, and the reaction of your children. If you don’t get the reaction you want or need out of your kids using your current style, then it may be time to switch it up and try a different approach.
Comments or questions? Leave them below. I’d love to chat about it!
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