It had really been quite awhile since I last popped into the platform and, although I am still very sore from having my shifts, I felt it only right to share them with you folks.
My life for the past week had not been an easy one. To begin with, I received the feedback on my performance on the first three weeks and according to that evaluation, I failed. I was so upset. I felt under appreciated. I felt vulnerable. I felt confused.
I felt that my identity as a nurse were broken. I felt this gnawing fear in me - what will happen to me if I failed? Will I go back to my home country and be miserable? I do not know where to turn to or, how will I fix my mess. I even tried reaching out to my friend in the Philippines hoping that she can shed light on all these things. Instead, I spoke to a very dismissive person and, I realized, I am alone in all of this.
Well, I initially do not know how to fix it up. I felt isolated because, I cannot even form coherent words or phrases here to write and express myself. But then, a part of me kicked in: be calm. Be logical.
So, I started formulating strategies and, studying where things go wrong. It's not an easy thing to do folks especially because, the trauma was still there and, my psyche is still trying to absorb it all. A part of the reason was that, the childish part of me wanted to play the blame game. Where I blame this and that person, this and that situation for whatever happened to me.
But, the thing is, I think I am older and, if I wanted to end this in an amicable way, I need to stop being so emotional and focus on finding solutions to my problem.
I discovered that there are people who are willing to help me through it and, it was not really difficult for me to identify and work out strategies. I am expecting me to do the blame game folks but apparently, I got old enough to set aside my impulse and work on the logical side of things.
I certainly cannot predict what would happen to me in the next few days but, I am hoping for the best . I wanted to be the best that I can and if that means undoing my current perception of me as a nurse, then be it. Change they say is painful and that is true in my case. But, what I am most grateful about was that, despite getting upset and, the prospect of blaming others, I got hold of myself on time to be calm and logical.
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