Facebook, Instagram, Tiktok, and even here on Hive. As much as possible, we tend to show others our successes. The IG life was not for me. I don't need societal pressure. I already give myself too much of that, haha.
Failure. Struggles. They are often kept in the dark. Every day, we face our individual battles. We battle in silence. Scream and cry just within ourselves. Lost in the world. Most of us are just trying to survive.
They say to be thankful for what you have. I am indeed grateful for my current life, I eat whenever I want to and have a roof over my head. What more can I wish for? Right?
I do have one wish though...
Fucking make the demons go away.
I'm all battered and worn out from constant struggles within me. I will not go into the details but here is a poem to express where I recently was.
Im letting myself lose
Drowning everyday
Pretending to be okay
Like everyone else does
In this world the strong survive
I cannot hold on
Deemed myself one of the weak
Take the form of my body
I'm running away
Till nobody can see
The inferior soul in this shell
Walking on my own
Pushing aside warm hands
I am a burden, said I
Can't carry the weight of tears
Struggling years
They say lookout
It's going to be okay
I decline your lies
Perseverance ends here
I'm on my own facade
Don't you see
Not even I can save me
I wonder. What have you done today that you're proud of? I for one used to celebrate waking up. That's a big win, right? I mean you're alive! A toast to that! but what if you're disappointed because you were? Sigh. Nmore, you're so depressing; but I'm not really here to talk about that.
Nope. I'm here to flex how proud I am that I cleaned my room. sparkles
I have been sick with the flu for 6 days. I am physically and emotionally drained but today seemed like the time to get up and push through with something small to change things up.
I am a bit shy. Teehee. But since you're reading this, I bet you know me quite a bit already so go ahead, and take a look at my room.
I wake up with an unkept bed and sleep with an unkept bed. I have some pillows on the floor that I don't even use. Last night, I used my biiig talong (eggplant) as a pillow. You can also see a tote bag that's been there for a week. A knocked Thermoflask, and neatly folded clothes that my mother left there a few days ago.
My desk had a lot of dust and accumulated clutter. Clothes, dirty or clean, just there chilling around. The most concern I have with my dirty room is the dust. I have allergic rhinitis (hi to those that are the same as me), so yes, the gathered-up dust made my illness even worse.
A few years ago, I used to go to schools and talk in front of many people - sometimes hundreds. Some would freeze and stutter. Some would probably throw up or cry but it didn't faze me. Most of the time, I thought everything was underwhelming and that I was there just to do my job.
I used to think I had to do something extraordinarily big to be proud of myself. I pushed myself to the extremes to overachieve especially in work. Even if I got praise, and year after year promotions, I still considered myself worthless.
I would often reject any kind of positive affirmations, ideals, principles, and beliefs. This thinking didn't help me and affected those around me. Now that I am jobless, imagine what it feels like to achieve something but still feel worthless. What's more about my current status being a BBM (BoredBuM)?
I am constantly breaking and building myself up. It's dead tiresome but I know people who are close to me want me to keep on fighting. Arc, the love of my life, would often thank me for trying my best. She's the only person in my life who knows how difficult it is to fight my demons away each day.
I was vacuuming the carpet floor whilst sweat rolled down the side of my face, I began to ponder. I can't believe I could live in such a mess, let alone ignore my room's condition. On the other hand, I felt a sense of triumph as I saw everything being more orderly and neat.
And with that here's what it looks like after cleaning.
Art on the wall by my beautiful niece
Don't zoom in on the photos haha
My mother asked me "O anak, naglinis ka ng kwarto. May bisita ka?" (O daughter, you cleaned your room. Is anyone coming over? HAHAHAHHA). I said no. I don't think it's just me. People around you think you're sick just because you cleaned your room or took a bath.
I don't know how long will I be able to maintain this order and cleanliness but I will try to wake up and make my bed before anything else. I will try getting into better habits in hopes that it will result in a good change in my future.
We don't often see what's happening with others behind their social media accounts. We most often exhibit our lives as grand but most of us live under this facade. We, at most, show our big achievements and do not take notice of the small ones.
We have our individual fights. Struggles we face alone. Ones we hide and show our strong selves instead. But, I choose to be vulnerable. I choose to show you this side of my small wins. Yeah, I cleaned my room today. Small thing. But I won't deny myself this feeling of accomplishment. I gathered what I could and did my best to stand up today.
Your room is messy? Haven't taken a bath? Slept all day? Absent-minded? crying? It's okay. If you can't muster the strength to do something today. You can rest. Try again. Do small things. Bit by bit and know that you are not alone. Know that even if it wrecks your mind and it's rejected by your soul, force yourself to change.
These are our small wins, don't let anyone especially yourself undermine them.
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