Both genders complain about how they don't get anything for being cool or nice, and how it is the bad/cruel ones who get treated better.
On social media currently this seems to be all every male focused coach wants to tell his male followers, and on the other side of the aisle it seems to be what every female focused coach wants to tell her female followers too.
Don't be nice, nice people get used, etc. And they say this like it is some brilliant counterintuitive discovery.
Well, well, well, here are the much needed deeper insights on this whole thing, the aim is not to counter the advice against being nice but to give us a full understanding of the entire thing:
When you're with someone who treats you really nice your subconscious immediately understands that you don't have to be overly cautious around them and that you have a wide margin for errors and not doing your best. In many cases this can make you not only neglect being at your best but can make you be at your worst or at least varying degrees close to your worst.
This is all because your subconscious is not calculating any consequences, so why put in the effort to do right when doing right is usually costly?
Doing the right things like buying gifts, carrying out acts of services, showing up for them, etc. Usually costly, isn't it?
So why do the costly things when you feel like you'll be just fine doing less?
But if the person is a reasonable person they wouldn't get carried away by the margin for error, they'll still be reasonable enough to not carry out the errors because they remember the mission is to make you happy and they know that errors increases their chances of losing you and they want to minimize that.
Even though they can do just fine with you by doing less they'll want to do more because a reasonable person knows the importance of a stellar performance and settling for less is not their thing. Reasonable people are principled.
Finding a reasonable person might be difficult, but knowing whether your partner is reasonable or not is easy, the simply question that reveals this is, do they take your kindness for granted? Do they try their best or at least close to it? It's that easy.
If they're taking your kindness for granted they are not principled or reasonable.
People can be nice even though they are not reasonable or principled, they could be the biggest fools on the planet, but they could just be nice by nature. With people like this you receive niceness for the niceness you give.
You have to know the difference. But even being a doormat wouldn't come with consequences if you're with a reasonable person or another nice person.
Just that if being nice can trigger poor treatment, how much more being a doormat?
For those who don't understand right away, a doormat is a mat placed by the door for entrants to dust their legs on. It is also a term for someone who lets others treat them however the like without there ever being consequences. They lie there like a doormat taking it.
Just the same way the opposites work. When you know there can be consequences and that your partner is capable of some wickedness it can make you be on your best behaviour. It can even make you enjoy doing right by them because getting that hard earned appreciation or sign from them that you did right can feel like a reward.
When some people act cruel it just doesn't suit them, you can see them doing or attempting to do the cruel thing but you're just not convinced they are cruel, and that is because you can tell they're faking it.
When you or some subconscious part of you can tell they're faking it you don't respect them and their consequences, and it is this respect is what they want in order for you to treat them well.
So, if you're a nice person and being cruel is not your thing, attempting it might be a waste. You might not follow through with your cruel decisions, you might not be good at making the correct tone of voice or facial expression or body language that communicates it; you might do other kind things on other days that just make your partner conclude that you're a kind person and this could reduce the cautiousness you've been trying to build in them.
Secondly, if your partner is not convinced, if you're clearly not a natural, they might think you're faking it but even worse than that they might think you're a psychopath or just a dummy. Because they see your conflicting behaviors. There's a sort of view you have about somebody when you can tell that what they're doing is not natural to them.
It usually means they are not reasonable enough, because a reasonable person does not reward people for treating them cruelly. They punish them or leave them.
A reasonable person wouldn't want to be with someone who is not nice, who is unreasonably cruel, etc. Except they probably have a kink in that regard.
So if you get treated well for acting badly then chances are you're with a fool, and being with a fool is dangerous, you might suffer the consequences of their next foolish decisions.
Being nice clearly has the ability to trigger poor treatment especially in unreasonable people, but being cruel only pays when you're with unreasonable people too.
A kind person who is not necessarily reasonable or disciplined enough to not be carried away by your kindness might also misbehave.
Being cruel on the other hand only rewards you when your partner is unreasonable.
So, you don't want to trigger poor treatment with your kindness, you don't want to make kind people who are not reasonable or disciplined enough get carried away by your niceness and strat misbehaving, but you also don't want to be with unreasonable people who would treat you well because you treated them cruelly.
So what do you do?
You be nice regardless, but never a doormat. Also you show your partner how much it hurts or angers you when they take you for granted. This should make them learn to not take you for granted anymore if they love you and if they have an up to standard intelligence. If it doesn't teach them you know you should let them go and find a better partner.
That is way better than trying to be cruel when it's not in your nature. And even if you pull off being cruel remember only an unreasonable person rewards someone for being cruel to them. You don't want to be with an unreasonable person.
The End
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