I don't want to tell the whole story and the characters implied in it, but there's this understanding that's finally sinking in my mind. I've always kind of understood this, but I wasn't really able to integrate it into my mindset. Once again, my addiction to sexual gratification has caused wreckage in my last relationship, and now, instead of pointing outwards, I truly look inwards to understand what happened.
This isn't about guilt. If you have access to a delicious experience, why wouldn't you want to enjoy it as much as possible? But what happens when you don't have access? Who do you become? Is your heart still filled with gratitude, love, and commitment? In my case, it wasn't.
It's very common to comment and even joke about when "women aren't in the mood." But it's not so talked about that many times this has to do with trauma and deeper issues that are not just a mood swing. This is something I also rationally knew, but I am just beginning to understand now. It is the pain of realizing I had much more to do with the breakup than I was willing to admit that is making me grasp all these things in a manner I couldn't before.
The truth is that countless times , I used my partner's body to satisfy my own desires without prioritizing the connection. It sounds awful to say this, but it's also true. I didn't do this out of evil, just ignorance and lack of self-knowledge. My addiction to pornography has obviously been a player here as well. Though my consumption of this kind of content has come to an end, it still lives in my mind and reproduces itself on sexual interactions.
Today, I can understand that my former partner might have felt discomfort with our sexual interaction because it was not based on building intimacy but rather a quest for orgasm and satisfying the drugs the brain demands. I also took care of her pleasure, it wasn't entirely selfish, but it is only now I understand that this does not build real intimacy and connection.
Another issue was when I didn't get my dose of pleasure and my mood would change. I would feel irritated, distant, and making up all sorts of stories in my mind ("she doesn't love me, she's into someone else, etc."). At the time, it seemed legitimate to think these things, but now, I see how childish and insecure I was.
Many say that the goal of sex is pleasure, but I no longer agree with this perspective. The sex that can enrich your life has to go deeper and move from pleasure to healing and connecting. Lots of self-knowledge and observation are needed to this. You have to break the patterns of what media has taught us about sex and this can be a real challenge as most of us have consumed some form of sexual content since a very young age.
There is no formula, no manual on how to achieve this kind of interaction. Only presence and profound commitment to finding the path can begin to free us from old patterns and begin another story that is filled with love and connection, rather than using others for selfish pleasure.
