Yoga supported me through the anguishing stages of grief management as I struggled to survive profound loss, pain, sadness and unwanted change in my life.
And then after literally hundreds of hours of sweat and meditation, during Hot Yoga Class #422... just over ten months, practicing an average of a little more than 40 yoga classes per month... a conversation was happening within my own mind... one part of me asked me a question, and in a flash, I came to a new understanding.
Acceptance?
No. I don't accept the final roll of the dice has been thrown in my life changes... The last card in the deck has not been played and the outcome has not been pre-destined.
The understanding I came to, can be shared with words. I think I had been exposed to these words and ideas for some time, yet they didn't have the emotional impact... and perhaps they could not have HAD the impact upon my brain in the state it was, nearly 500 yoga classes ago.
At the same time I jumped into practicing Yoga to cope with the ragged emotion of life crisis, I also invested hours each day studying the brain science work and meditation practices of Joe Dispenza. I began the beginners path of following his instruction as I followed the breath and movement in a guided Yoga class.
The brain science explained the neurological and chemical connection to the thoughts that we think and the emotions those thoughts create. I gaining an intellectual understanding of the limited emotion set available to a person while they are in High-Beta brain wave state. And then though months of meditation, yoga, and reflection - I started to release my connection to the emotions of the past.
I started to practice feeling good.
I was terrible at it at first. I deserved to feel bad, I had every reason to cry all day. The only time I could reach for any form of gratitude was immediately after the good workout... you know - deep physical exertion, heat and sweating of the Yoga class. My mind was calmer, my heart was not as heavy. That was the time I sat down and followed the guided meditation recordings - and I practiced the emotions of my future instead of replaying the emotions of my past.
Dr Joe taught that my goal was to get into Alpha brain wave state, and reprogram the subconscious. To identify and prune unwanted thoughts and habits of feeling, and to nurture and practice the feelings of the potential futures that are in the possible... To directly confront the micro-indiscretions in thinking that are a part of the person in the past - observe them as a third person and practice the different choice that matches my future.
I failed and stumbled to maintain my focus through a guided meditation, and while the guided yoga provided physical relief for a short time, my thinking as not changed from before class to the end of class... I was continually absorbed with the stages of grief.
I could not manage my thinking on my own. Dr. Joe's intensive workshop was playing continually while I was not at Yoga. And even in the Yoga class, I gravitated to practice with the Yogi's who guided every inhale, every movement, and every exhale through the entire hour. Without their direction, my thinking instantly returned to the powerful, painful and addictive/obsessive reflection of all the mini-universes of damage and agony in my life.
At the end of each Yoga class the guide may share some inspiring thought and they finish with the word 'Namaste' and the class repeats back 'Namaste'. The general translation is 'The light within me sees and bows to the light within you'. This is a beautiful acknowledgement from one living person to another.
One day recently... Yoga class #421, the Yogi has us reflect on the idea of stress in life, and how the challenges of life are separate from the light within you... and that we should bring the 'state of being' we achieve on our Yoga Mat into the rest of our day with us.
I took her literally, and though out that day, I repeated to myself - the light within me sees and bows to the light within me.
As it would happen, I also listened to Dr. Joe describe the difference between convergent focus, and divergent focus and how it effected brain state in the meditation practice. And then it occurred to me that a Yoga class itself is the ideal way to achieve the scientifically identified brain state we were seeking.
And I understand now this answer was available to me but I couldn't embrace it. Perhaps I needed the scientific explanation of brain function in relation to emotion and chemicals and the body's conditioning, to understand and accept and to start putting intention to direct the personal experience I was having.
Over the accumulated practice of more than 400 yoga classes in less than a year, and the special effect the morning Yogi's intention had on my day... I did a pretty good job of maintaining the feeling state I had on the yoga mat that morning.
When I came back to the evening yoga class that day - for the first time in all those hundreds of classes, I locked eye contact with myself in the mirror. Though out the class, I looked at myself in the eye, and said, 'the light in me sees the light in me'.
The first thing I noticed was the scowl on my face. The stress on my brow. Such a stern and unhappy look... I had to make a conscious effort to release it, and to replace that look with how I would look at a small child. Too look at myself with that same loving soft look on my face, in my eyes and across my brow.
Deep breath in... hands together above your head... deep breath out... bend forward... breath in and reach your spine, breath out and hop back - hold plank, breath in... breath out. Pause. Chatarunga... breath in upward dog... slowly breath out and move back to downward dog for three deep breaths... bend your knees and breath out, hop forward and breath in as you stand up...
Eye contact. Soft gaze. 'The light in me sees the light in me'.
I am this light within me.
I am not my mistakes. While I am responsible for my mistakes - they are not 'me'.
I AM this light within me.
The required time to retrain my poorly-managed emotional habits. Just as my body has grown stronger and more flexible, my mind has become better able to practice the emotions of my future and gained some skill at remaining out of high-beta brain wave state of anxiety and self doubt.
From my vantage point of 500 yoga classes, I estimate another 1500 yoga classes over the next four years will bring me to a 'black belt' skill level in my yoga poses and also bring my mind to a state of true joy, gratitude and abundance that are completely generated from within as an intentional act of love.
