I had taken my trusty motoring vehicle, Old Bessie out for a tootle along the country roads near Boom House. It wasn't long before I noticed a frankly godawful squealing and knocking coming from the engine. Dash it all, I thought, best get the old girl to the garage.
I drove to the nearest grease monkey's. An oily beggar came out to greet me. Despite having a face like penile thrush he seemed an honest sort for a peasant. He introduced himself as Barney.
I waved a hand airily at him and told him of the noises from the engine, Barney doffed his cap obsequiously and set to work.
It was mere moments before he staggered back yelling.
Oh my god Milord, you've gone and run someone over!
What? Kittens arses man. I think I would know if I had run someone over!
The grease monkey's face was ashen as he turned to me.
He's still alive, quick milord help me. He's in a terrible state.
I moved to Old Bessie's side and peered at the bloody meaty thing under the car.
That's not a man you idiot, it's a pig.
A pig milord, it's a man? Help me with him!
Barney tugged at one of the limbs of the pig, attempting to free it from underneath the car.
The pig squealed in pain. It almost sounded like help me. He was right, the poor thing was in a terrible state. Only one thing for it then.
I leapt forward and bought my cane down repeatedly on its poor mangled head.
There you go Barney. I've put the damn thing out of its misery.
Barney recoiled in horror.
Milord, you've, you've killed him?!
Behave yourself man, it was only a pig. Now I will be taking Old Bessie's keys back if you please?
Barney ran to the door shouting.
Police!! Police! Help, there's been a murder!! Help! Oh my god, officer. Help me, a man has just been killed.
He came back from the door tugging at the sleeve of a Police Officer who must have been passing by.
Now then, now then. What's going on here?
Said the Police Officer, he looked a fine fellow with a splendid moustache and red cheeks.
Barney started to babble about murderers. The Officer slapped him to the ground with the back of his hand.
I was asking the gentleman here. Not you, Be quiet.
I explained to the Officer what had happened and how I had valiantly rescued the pig from its suffering by bashing its head to a pulp. He nodded approvingly and made hmmm and aahh noises.
Barney squealed from the floor.
It's not a fucking pig!! Look he is wearing clothes?!?!
The Officer pulled his truncheon out and proceeded to give Barney a good honest beating.
Do you have a license to be slaughtering and storing livestock on these premises sir? Thought not. To the cells with you.
He bid me good day and apologised for any inconvenience before dragging the unconscious Barney off.
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It was later as I cleaned the piggish blood from my cane I thought again of the incident. I simply cannot stop helping it seemed. Even members of the animal kingdom. It was with this in mind that I fired up the electrical abacus and headed to the chat for some
SpamFarmer1: Do you like beaches an yoga? shitpostlink
Uncle Boom: No I fucking don't, into the spunk bin with you.
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SpamFarmer2: Why you flag my post??
Uncle Boom: Plagiarism dear friend. Merely plagiarism.
SpamFarmer2: Take your flag off man
Uncle Boom: What? You want me to undress? With not even a kiss?
SpamFarmer2: Remove the flags asshole
Uncle Boom: The flags asshole? I think that you are missing a comma?
SpamFarmer2: Look please take the flag off
Uncle Boom: I am starting to breath harder, running my hands over your willing thighs
SpamFarmer2: ?
Uncle Boom: I spread you like butter on hot toast. You give in to me. I am the lion. You are my wet and bloody gazelle...
Uncle Boom: Hello? Hello my beautiful gazelle? I will wait for you.
Once more I am spent after a long and hearty set of advisements. Sometimes I wonder, is there anyone with a bigger heart than me? Giving back makes the world a better place. So remember, if you feel the need, you can find me on the steemit chats. Anonymity is assured, after all...
