I took a trip out to my country estate for a bit of grouse shooting this week with an old friend, Osbert Winnetburn. An admirable fellow in many ways despite having a mouth like a cat's anus.
We lay in the bushes with our guns in our hands and discussed the latest trading news. Osbert grandly proclaimed he was moving into knickers.
Knickers old chap? What do you mean, like lady garments?
Exactly! Lady-part smotherers. All the rage in China.
I made a cat-vomiting-a-hairball face.
I think I will stick with the Ivory for the now old chap, there's far more honour in it.
Before we could debate further there was movement from the tree-line some 100 yards away. One of the local peasants came into view, it looked like he was picking mushrooms.
Osbert screwed his eyes as he peered into the distance. He then gave me a devilish grin.
Tell me old Boom fellow, is that a grouse?
I looked at the peasant, even at this distance I could tell he had an annoying face.
Yes old chap, it's most definitely a grouse.
Osbert yelped with glee and let off a shot. We both watched the mushroom picker as he dropped like a stone. I clapped my hands in appreciation at Osbert's gunmanship. He turned to me, grinning from ear to ear.
Head Shot! Oh well, I will send his wife a couple of farthings for the inconvenience. I dare say she will find another wastrel to shack up with in a matter of days.
We both chuckled and left the peasant for the badgers before retiring to the house for some gin.
Later, feeling a little merry I opened up my online sack and rooted through it for some missive's that I could read before delivering some sound
SpamFarmer1: Hello. Can you help me sit?
Uncle Boom: Sit? Sit on what? Make sense man.
SpamFarmer1: Sir.
Uncle Boom: Sit on Sir? What the bloody hell do you... Oh, oh wait. I get it. Is this cyber, are you trying to cyber sex me? Is this Tinder?
How bloody dare you try to sex me up cyber style. You didn't even suggest those funny gloves smeared with duck fat. Most impolite! Get away from my screen at once!
Whatever next?
SpamFarmer2: Hello. How are you?
Uncle Boom: Fucking marvelous old chap and you?
SpamFarmer2: I entered a logo competition, could you vote on my entry please?
Uncle Boom: Of course old fellow. Send me the link.
SpamFarmer2: thank you, here is the link to the contest, please vote for option number 2 - shitpostlink
Uncle Boom: Voted and commented!
SpamFarmer2: thank you, can u tell it to your steemit chat friends to do it for me as well
Uncle Boom: Consider it done old fellow!!
Some minutes later
SpamFarmer2: hey, I said to vote option 2 you voted option 1
Uncle Boom: I fucking did not. How dare you! Do you play me for a fool? You undoubtedly said option 1.
SpamFarmer2: sir please change your entry, you voted the wrong one. Please change it
Uncle Boom: I will not, and it is ill-bred of you to ask. You say the wrong one, I say - a gentleman, never wears gloves whilst he eats.
SpamFarmer2: please. Please correct it
Uncle Boom: Correction is it? If there is correction required I will gladly give you a few strokes of the cane. Now begone you blackguard!!
Aahh, the heady scent from a gentleman's hands after a good advisements. It reminds me of cats in the rain. Well chaps. Once more let me encourage you to contact me with your difficulties and let me cut to the heart of them. You are assured of my discretion, after all...
