A few rhetorical questions as an appetizer for my article today before I officially venture into serving the main dish of my article.
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you were right, but you still apologized? Perhaps you didn't want to hurt the person's feelings, or perhaps you only just wanted to avoid conflict. Well, recently I was in this situation and probably most of us have been in this kinda situation too. Recently I was in a situation where I was almost convinced to apologise even when I wasn't wrong.
Several times, I have heard people say the word , "I'm sorry, even though I didn't do anything wrong." Believe me I've said that on several occasions too. I mean it might simply look like a polite and easy way to avoid trouble or conflict, either with your partner, friends, family or colleague. But would you believe it if I tell you that it can actually harm your relationship in the long run? If you consistently keep apologizing even when you are not wrong?.
Now, don't worry I can already tell that you're thinking, "But isn't apologizing a mature and respectful thing to do?" In most cases, yes, to avoid conflict it is a wise thing to do. However, in certain situations you shouldn't apologize when you're not wrong.
Generally, apologizing is seen as a positive and mature behavior, because of its ability to quench a building fire and repair torn relationships. But when we clearly look at it from another angle, it can mess with your self-esteem, set a bad precedent about you and equally send the wrong message to people about you that your opinion doesn't really matter.
Somehow, it is you telling the other person that you're ready to concede your stance or ego for the sake of peace. Of course this might look like a right or kind thing to do, but when done continuously it can create a dynamic where the other person always expects you to back down. You already should know that people can be manipulative at times. When they see you keep apologizing for peace, then they keep misusing that beautiful part of you. Manipulating you and your emotions. Then leading to an imbalance of power in whatever relationship you have with the person, giving them more power over your emotions and feelings and now creating a small chance for you to assert yourself in the future. Sometimes, it can gradually degrade your self-confidence because you always think you're the one to apologize for peace to reign. You might even start to see yourself as the one with the bad attitude, thereby making it hard also to stand for your beliefs affirming your own worth or opinions are of no importance.
Probably it's not making sense to you, so maybe I should create a familiar scenario with reality to make it clearer.
For instance, a scenario where you're being blamed for something that's clearly not your fault. Like your boss blaming you for a mistake made by a member of your team/ colleague or someone steals your idea and tries to suppress/bully you or undermine your authority at work. Or a situation where someone is being disrespectful or hurtful towards you, trying to manipulate or gaslight you. Gaslighting in this situation can be where someone tries to make you doubt your own perceptions and beliefs.
Apologizing in this kinda scenario can send the message that you don't mind being mistreated, you're willing to be silenced and intimidated, which can lead to a toxic and unhealthy working relationship for you with people within or outside the workplace as the case may be. Apologizing in these situations can send the message that you're willing to take the blame for things that are out of your control and not your fault. If this keeps going on it can set a bad precedent for future conflicts.
Let's look at another scenario like, when you're being pressured to do something you know you're not comfortable with or against your own will. This scenario can be in your romantic relationships, friendships. If someone keeps pressuring you emotionally to do something that goes against your values, boundaries, or beliefs, it's okay to say no and not apologize for it. When you apologize in a situation like that, you're only making yourself appear weak and submissive, and when this happens, getting ready for your boundaries to be crossed again in the future.
Learn sometimes, to stand firm, assert your boundaries and communicate if the other person's behaviour is clearly not acceptable to you even if it causes conflict at that moment.
Look, let's face reality, if everyone tries to be gentle and keeps on apologizing when we're right, it might lead to broader societal implications. We're sending the message that it's more important to avoid conflict than to stand up for what we believe in. And why believe in something when you can't protect your belief?. Why have a mind when you can't speak your mind? Maybe you just enjoy getting ride on by others that don't care about the feelings of others. Or do we like a society where people are less likely to speak out against the injustice meted out on them or challenge the status quo. But when we stand our ground in such situations we're modeling the behavior we want to see in the world.
Note, my article isn't in any way saying that we should never apologize. In fact apologizing will always be an important part of maintaining healthy relationships and resolving conflicts.
But on the other hand, while there are situations where we may be better off holding off and apologizing, it's important also to know that there are also situations where apologizing is definitely not necessary, especially when you're not at fault. Scenarios where you said something hurtful in the heat of the moment, apologize and take full responsibility for your actions. Apologising in this kind of situation can help to repair the relationship and show that you value the other person's feelings and emotions.
So, when someone tries to manipulate your kind nature again, remember that sometimes it's okay not to be sorry, because you didn't do anything wrong. Don't let people ride on your emotions and feelings for their selfish egocentric, self-centered gains.