Beep Beep Beep... was the sound of my electricity meter reminding me that I was running out of credit.
I have no more money left to pay. My mother and I ended up spending the night in partial darkness. We were only accompanied by a few candles. Then it hit me harder than how I thought it would be.
When I started Hive, I was a struggling college student who went without food days at a time. Hive changed the trajectory of my life that I had relatively good 20s and experienced a lot in life. Hive gave me a place to create, people to connect with, opportunities, and sometimes literally the money I needed to keep going. With it, I survived my depression era and the hardest time of my life.
It was a lifeline then. Throughout my failed ventured, bad clients, and more often that not, I often gave up before trying.
In essence, Hive was my safety net.
But this morning, something hits me. Basically, I've still been running away from life. I was content with the idea of surviving rather than building something meaningful. As I slowly get integrated back to community and people around me, I don't want to just survive anymore. I realized I could have done something about it. I can't just sit comfortably knowing that whatever I contribute out there can be a meaningful work. So, I shifted the way I think.
It all started with I no longer feel shy telling friends or family that I have no job. I have no money left. It was truly liberating. It felt like I was running around naked with no shame or fucks given anymore. The old me would've succumb to depression and quit it all but this time, I have faith that kept me through.
I am brave enough now that I stopped my powerdown and I'll forget that button ever exist.
These past couple of months, I faced rejection, difficult clients, bad clients, all types of clients. Somehow through it all, I survived. I realized that now, it's grind season. I need to work hard, have some more delusion, being shameless and I know the wealth that I have in the future are going to last longer than what I ever acquired in my twenties.
I know what it’s like to be hungry, homeless, and living through modern poverty. But I can’t quit this time. I have to keep going, no matter how hard it gets. I don’t think I can walk away from this unless I literally die.
And yeah, at this point, I honestly don’t know how I’m supposed to pay for things anymore. I’ve put some of my stuff up for sale, but nothing has sold. I’ve been applying for jobs too, but nothing has come through yet.
As long as I keep trying or fishing, there's bound to be something out there. This too shall pass and I am sure I would've enjoyed writing more now than ever 😃
𝘊𝘦𝘮𝘺 (𝘰𝘳 𝘔𝘢𝘤) 𝘪𝘴 𝘢 𝘤𝘶𝘳𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘨𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘵, 𝘤𝘰𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘯𝘰𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘶𝘳, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘯 𝘢𝘮𝘣𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘴 𝘣𝘢𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘴𝘰𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘶𝘥𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘰𝘤𝘪𝘢𝘭 𝘴𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘬. 𝘏𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘭𝘰𝘨 𝘪𝘴 𝘧𝘶𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘺 𝘤𝘶𝘳𝘪𝘰𝘴𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢 𝘴𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯: 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘥𝘰𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘥 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘬 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘪𝘵 𝘥𝘰𝘦𝘴? 𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘭𝘭 𝘰𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘯 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘭, 𝘨𝘦𝘰𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘱𝘩𝘺, 𝘤𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘦𝘴, 𝘤𝘰𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘦, 𝘵𝘦𝘤𝘩𝘯𝘰𝘭𝘰𝘨𝘺, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘥𝘢𝘺 𝘰𝘣𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘷𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘮𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘭𝘬 𝘱𝘢𝘴𝘵. 𝘚𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘴𝘸𝘪𝘮𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘭𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘦𝘴. 𝘍𝘰𝘭𝘭𝘰𝘸 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘰𝘯 𝘏𝘪𝘷𝘦, 𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘣 𝘢 𝘤𝘶𝘱 𝘰𝘧 𝘤𝘰𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘦, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘥 𝘢 𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘭𝘺. | |