It's getting harder to remember things. Not the old stuff. I can tell you about things that happened 30 years ago like it was yesterday. But what someone just said to me? What I just read? Where I put my keys five minutes ago? Gone.
It started not long after my first couple mini strokes. The doctors explained what was happening, what to expect. But living with it is different than hearing about it. They also said it could be compounded by previous undiagnosed concussions. And my autoimmune disease that impacted my nerves. So there's probably multiple things working together to make this worse.
At first I thought I was just getting older. Everybody forgets things, right? But this is different. This is reading something and having no idea what I just read by the time I get to the end of the paragraph. This is someone telling me something and asking them to repeat it because it didn't stick. This is putting something down and spending 20 minutes looking for it.
It frustrates me. It scares me too. I won't pretend it doesn't. You start wondering where it ends. How much worse it gets. What else you're going to lose. I try not to dwell on that. But late at night and early morning when the house is quiet, those thoughts creep in.
It makes taking academic courses that much more challenging. I'm working on my doctorate right now. Tons of reading. Tons of writing. Tons of information I need to retain and recall. Some days I read the same paragraph three times before it sticks. Some days it doesn't stick at all and I have to come back to it later. Everything takes longer than it should.
Working in a fast paced environment? Forget about it. Literally. That's not an option anymore. I can't keep up with rapid fire information and quick decisions like I used to. The brain just doesn't work that way now.
Thankfully, the university gives me grace with medical accommodation. I'm allowed to turn in assignments a few days after the normal due dates and given more time on tests. Without that, I'm not sure I could do this. It doesn't make it easy. But it makes it possible.
Calendars and notes. Everywhere. If it's not written down, it doesn't exist. I try to establish routines as much as possible. Put things in the same place every time. Do things in the same order. The more automatic I can make something, the less I have to rely on remembering it. I make sure I rest. Make sure I take my medication. Do what the doctors tell me to do. That's about all I can control.
It frustrates me. But I'm slowly making peace with it. This is just how it is now. Fighting it doesn't help. Getting angry at myself doesn't help. I have to work with the brain I have, not the one I used to have. Some days are better than others. Some days I feel sharp. Other days I feel like I'm walking through fog. I just keep moving. Keep writing things down. Keep showing up. That's all I can do.
You ever have to make peace with something your body does that you can't control?
Thanks for reading,
Joe
Notes:
-All content is mine unless otherwise annotated.
-Images are my own unless otherwise noted.
-Photos edited using Linux photo editor and drawing and/or iPhone SE.
-Page Dividers from The Terminal Discord.
