I don't know how to overcome it.
It has been months since I truly write something decent and meaningful. Perhaps I succumb to depression without acknowledging that I have problem- a profound unhappiness that tries to lurk into my daily life, whenever it gets the chance. For a second I thought writing was for me. I thought I could be a successful peripatetic writer, an occupation that I want to have for the rest of my life. It's something that I am never gonna be ashamed to announce, ' I am a writer'. Yet, I suppose, ghost writing won't instantly make me a writer. Especially, these days when everyone can write and flaunt their eloquent words everywhere. Writing is easy anyway. You weave one word to another, then a sentence will be formed, then connect it together, and voila! a story.
Nowadays, whenever I stare at my note, all I see is a void space. I tried to recall every memorable moments then trying to over dramatize it, running my imagination wild but nada. Not a single word comes into the page. Am I really that empty? do I need to fill up my brain once more ? I thought, I've been filling my brain with a lot information on whatever that's being served into my plate. Apparently, that doesn't seem enough. Then, the negative-self talk approached me. It tries to justify that experience as being unintelligent. " You are as dumb as rock" said the negative self-talk.
"Maybe I am" I replied without defending myself.
It's not that I didn't try other endeavors. Apart from writing, I was trying to code, to cook, be an academic, be good at math and languages, but these yields nothing. I still don't feel like I want to be those. I want to be a writer, an honest and a successful ones who gets paid decently. At least, enough to cover my bills and some self-indulgences.
Having difficulty to writing and weaving words have been nothing but a pain in the arse. Maybe I have not tried enough to get out of that nasty zone. Maybe I need to try harder. Well, anyway, this is my attempt after many months.
I miss weaving a nice story just like I miss my coffee black
-mac
picture credit : pexels.com
