'Yup', thought the professor, 'One hose pipe, and a gallon of petrol, should do the trick.'
Anything seemed like a better option, than listening to Abigail for one moment more...
See why here
He skipped happily like a teenager, through the corridors, and out into the university grounds, the bright California sunshine greeting him.
He wasn't sad about what he was about to do. He was elated in fact.
No more Abigail in class.
Oblivion was indescribably more attractive a proposition, than Abigail raising her hand one more time, in his class.
He opened the trunk and took out the hosepipe that he was going to use, and joyfully skipped around to his door, opened it, and sat inside.
Putting on the beach boys on his CD player (he had a very old automobile), he turned up the volume to full, and he started his car....
'Oh shit,' He thought, 'I haven't attached the bloody hose to the exhaust'.
....getting out of the car, he went and attached it, whistling happily as he went, and then returned to the 'Californian girls' at one hundred and twenty decibels.
'It seemed a little silly' he thought, 'To be worrying now about the health of his eardrums at this point'
It would soon be all be over.
He didn't know if there was an afterlife or not, but wherever he was going, or not - it was without Abigail.
And that's all that mattered right now.
He sat back, relaxed, and waited waited for the car exhaust fumes to do their job.
After about 45 minutes later, he thought that they weren't doing a very good job at all.
'I bet it's some of that fucking ecofriendly gasoline,' He thought to himself, sadly.
He was no aficionado on death by car fume inhalation, but he reckoned that something was wrong here.
He didn't never even had a headache...
He pondered for awhile, using his far too clear headed, 137 IQ brain, to find the answer to his non death problem.
'Bollocks' He thought.
(bollocks was an English slang word, meaning 'shit', and one that he'd picked up from a very friendly English girl some years back when his 'private tuition lessons' had been rudely interrupted by her parents).
It was the bloody altitude! he thought glumly, knowing that he'd found the answer.
Or rather the sea level, and not the altitude!
UCLA was only a few feet above sea level.
The numerous holes in his rust bucket of a car, combined with weight of the sea level air pressure, must have pushed all the noxious fumes down to the floor, and out through the holes, and thus never reaching his lungs....
"Bugger" He said glumly to himself.
Just then there was a tap on his window, knocking him out of his reverie.
"Professor,!!!" Came the happy voice "What are you doing?"
He looked up, and saw Abigail smiling cheerily back at him.
'oh fuck', he thought...
"Is that a bong you've got their professor?" She said clapping her hands like seal, " Can I have some?"
"Abigail,!" The professor said, forcing his face to smile, "I was just thinking about you"
"I hope it was nothing rude", She giggled "I can get very horny when I'm using a bong"
"No, Abigail, nothing like that....I say, why don't you get in and come and join me for a smoke?"
Giggling in excitement, she skipped around the car, and opened the passenger door...