Back to square one.
I hate it here.
It seems like every single time I get my head above water, another wave comes crashing down and the current pulls me under.
Just because I’m a good swimmer, doesn’t mean I’m not tired.
My body is tired. My mind is tired. My heart is tired....
It’s my choices that lead me to all this, and I know that.
What am I chasing?
I think I just need to be alone. As alone as I feel.
I need to isolate myself, cut myself off.
I have such an overwhelming desire to run away, start over. But I know it won’t change anything. Problems left unsolved will only follow me wherever I go.
Tired of all the “band aids”. Tired of ripping them off and cleaning the wounds just to cover it up and do it all over again.
I.JUST.WANT.TO.BE.HAPPY.
I haven’t felt like this in a while. My head is absolutely spinning, and I just don’t know which way to turn.
I’m desperately searching for the switch that turns off all my thoughts, all my feelings.
I thought I was healing, but I’m really just numb.
So fucking numb.
Want to scream. Want to cry. Want to fight.
Just want to be held and told it’s going to be OK.
But is it?
I need to figure out who the fuck I am.
I need to stop hiding.
Nothing worth having comes easy, right? But all I know is the struggle.
Maybe I want something to come easy for once.
Do I even know what I want?
To be free. To be myself. To smile and mean it. To stop hiding behind a sense of humor or a false image.
I really am a mess. Just a really well put together mess.
“You should be happy, you have so much going for you….”
Yeah, it’s all tangible, it’s all just “things”.
I need more than that.
I need my missing piece.
I may be whole, but I’m not complete without that one thing.
Inside I’m screaming so loud, it’s deafening.
I have to remind myself to breathe because my chest constantly feels like it’s going to cave in.
I can’t quiet my thoughts, even when I need to.
Help me save myself.