Laying here, going through all the apps on my phone.
Stumbled upon this one and realized I haven’t touched it in who knows how long.
I’ve been staying busy.
Almost too busy to really stop and think about, well, anything that’s actually unnecessary.
Get a lot of things rushing back when I see this shit.
Half of me shakes my head at the person I was, the state I was in when I started this thing.
The other half… idk, I guess the other half will always wonder.
So I think about the headspace I was in when I’d come here and write.
How I felt, what was going on inside my head… in my heart.
I’ve come a long ass way, I think.
I’ve grown a lot, realized a lot.
I’m actually pretty happy, ya know?
Does my past come back to haunt me sometimes?
Yes.
Daily, actually.
But I’ve gotten much better at letting it hit, riding it out, and moving passed it.
It comes in a song.
Or something someone says, or does.
Stupid things I see.
Sometimes it doesn’t even have a trigger.
And I’ve realized, you’re allowed to miss things, because at some point, they were what you wanted….
You’re allowed to be mad and sad and you’re even allowed to smile at a memory.
But, you can’t forge where you were and where you’re at now.
Hell, this time last year…. Thinking back to all that…. Wow.
I’d have never seen myself being where I am today.
But I’m grateful.
I guess that’s all part of getting over shit, of moving on.
I wrote in a previous post that I don’t think you ever actually move on, and I still don’t.
Nor do I think we have to.
I think some of us just find something or someone better to fill the voids.
We’re all human.
At the end of the day, if nothing else, we are human.
We fuck up, we make mistakes, we try desperately every day to keep our heads above water, treading… anything to keep from drowning.
And that’s life.
You swim forward, you tread in one spot, or you drown.
I honestly don’t even know where I’m going with all of this.
I think I just felt like rambling, cuz honestly, I just don’t anymore.
There’s no point, is there?
It’ll always be “what if…”
🤙🏻
