At some point in my life I nursed a belief that people would treat me the same way I treated them, even more. So, I lapsed into a do-good phase. Helping in my own little and big way, whoever was in need of my help. When I hadn't helped myself, I'd still help others. I saw my self as a Messiah. I helped anyway I could and all I got at the end was a fucking “Thank You.” and a stupid pat on my back.
Haha, the stupid twist here is that no one came for me when I was hurting. These beings forgot me like I was yesterday's newspaper. When I was hurting and bleeding to death, no one came to my rescue. I still picked my self up and removed the dust from my clothing, and stood firm and tall.
But I was broken however. I was broken because no one actually cared. They only cared whenever you had something to offer them and they never offered anything back. I grew a sudden loathe for people and I trusted no one. Not even my own self. Heck, I looked across my shoulders every freaking time I was tormented by nothing and everything at the same time.
That was how I lost my sense of human. I became a wall. A big wall that no one could penetrate. Trusting people wasn't an option.
Until I found reason. Reason on the pages of this book, this book without a cover or a name. But was a collection of short narratives of real people, past experiences penned down on paper for people like me. Stories of people who were betrayed by their own loved ones, stabbed to death by the people they fought for. People who died with betrayal as the last emotion they felt. And under this stories were footnotes and one had caught my attention when I was reading one day and this footnote is what I have been using to live life ever since. It's like a suppressor for a lot of things.
“Before you meet someone, forgive them.”
And so I have been doing. Before I meet anyone, before someone offends me, I have already forgiven them. I know already that humans are bound to make mistakes and they are the most imperfect of beings so before anything happens, I have forgiven in advance for whatever they will do to me in the future so that when it occurs I'd be less annoyed or shocked or disappointed. For it was expected. Hence, expecting less from people so that when they show you less you wouldn't be surprised.
This, I have been living with. So if you ask yourself why I haven't snapped at you for wronging me, this is clearly the reason. I don't have time to waste of stupid emotions that wouldn't benefit my spirit and mind. So I let go before it happens.
So, if you hurt me, cool. If you don't hurt me, that's OK. Whichever way, i'mma be there like I never left. And you can also bear it in mind that I still nurse that absence of trust for human beings. I cannot trust anyone fully. That cannot happen.
For that would be the center of my downfall.
