“Alpha major, do you read me?” Radio crackles to life. “Alpha major? We're in position, do you copy?” Major Yusuf picks up the radio and places it conveniently close to the side of his mouth. “This is Alpha Major, over! Are you positioned?”
“Affirmative, sir. He's about to mount the podium and he's accompanied by the pale skins, sir, he's wiretapped.” The voice cracked.
Major Yusuf nodded in approval. “Very good soldier, make sure he doesn't deviate from the recitation, is that clear? We cannot afford to thrust our countrymen's name into the dirt again. The motherfuxker better pay attention to the earphone. Speak to him ever two minutes is that clear?”
“Roger that, Major. I won't take any chances with his senility. Who knows what he'd say if I don't? Maybe this time he'd talk about how Kendrick Lamar's DAMN album is whack compared to Wizkid's Starboy.” The soldier behind the radio chuckled. Major Yusuf was silent over the connection.
“Sir? Get it? Haha.”
“Uhm, Sergent?”
“Yes sir?”
“Don't ever go into comedy, ever. Do you copy?”
A short silence. “UH, roger that sir.”
“Good,” Major Yusuf said. “Cause you suck at it.”
A hand tapped the Major, he turned to see his watchman giving him a nod. He knew what that means. The show is about to start.
Nigerian President, Mohammed Buhari had arrived Washington some hours ago and the Nigeria's special force have accompanied him in hiding. They're here to make sure everything goes according to plan, that the president doesn't flunk this up with his callous and salacious statements, degrading his own country.
Some weeks back he had said in an open statement that the youths of his country were slothic and lazy. How they sat down and did nothing to help their motherland. This remark was accompanied with dismantling and brutal insults in response from the Nigerian youths who had taken to their social media platforms to curse the president and his household in ways that can make a mentally deranged person come to his senses. They had even disregarded the president who plans to run for another term in 2019. And now the Nigerian special forces are here today to make sure that president Buhari doesn't commit literary suicide as he speaks to the Uncle Sam's representative and head of State, Donald Trump and addresses the press.
Buhari was wiretapped with speakers and headphones, and a communicator, the Sergent who had called Major Yusuf some minutes ago, was assigned to him; to tell him what he was to say, verbatim. A written petition was given to the president just in case he wanted to go rogue. Yesterday when he was on the flight a nano-chip was put into his drinking water. This chip contained a remote bomb filled with toxic poison that was meant to go off if the whenever the president decided to go rogue and speak contrary to the plan. Everything was in place, all the systems and communicators were on-line, and somewhere, inside a disguised van, the central terminal with small monitors mounted on the walls of the van, Major Yusuf tuned the frequency on his radio and gave the signal.
“And, we're online.”
Buhari moves closer to the podium, the microphone whined and the audience winced lightly as the frequency had affected their eardrums. Buhari stood, clad in his jibab and the traditional Muslim cap.
“Don't fuck us up, PMB.” Major Yusuf said under his breath.
“Good day, Ladies and Gentlemen of the media.” The president began.
Everyone watched intently inside the van. Major Yusuf stared at the president in front of the screen, he chopped his fingernails. This grandpa better not Fuck this up.
“It has been a pleasure and honour to visit Washington DC at the kind invitation of President Donald Trump.
Nigeria and the United States share a long history of close and cordial relations, which encompass political, economic, military, social and cultural cooperation. Our two countries maintain a strategic partnership for peace and security, conflict resolution as well as the global fight against terrorism.”
“He had better not say any derogatory remarks concerning Boko Haram, Walahi, I'll push the button.” One of the sergeant commented. The one who was in charge of the remote that detonates the nano-chip.
“Easy. Let's see how this goes.”
“We also share common features as secular federal states, practicing a similar democratic model of governance and committed to the universal values of fundamental human rights and freedoms, free enterprise, social justice and the rule of law. President Trump and his team and myself and the Nigerian team discussed issues related to security, trade, governance, human rights and humanitarian crises.”
He's actually following the script. The shocked Major mused, good job, sergeant.
“We congratulated the leaders of North and South Korea on their historic summit and we applaud them for the positive commitment they have made towards the denuclearization of the Korean Peninsula. President Trump deserves a great deal of credit for his statesmanly role in transforming so dramatically the course of events in that region.”
Buhari shook a bit, as the flashes emanating from cameras affected his vision a bit, he was willed to continue as the communicator's voice ringed in his ear through the earphone plugged in his ear.
“We also congratulated the US government on the important role it played in the defeat of ISIS,”
“Don't say anything stupid, sir.” The Sergent's crisp voice rang in The president's head.
“Although,” Buhari continued. “Some of the remnants have found their way to the Sahel region. We recognized the strong US support in our fight against terrorism and also appreciated very much the US’ agreement to sell twelve Super Tucano A-29 war planes and weapons to Nigeria to effectively fight terrorism.”
Good job, Mr. President. Major Yusuf smiles.
“To contain the spate of insurgency in Nigeria, the Federal government has adopted a multi-sectoral approach, involving relevant government agencies to address the socio-economic and political dimensions while the Armed Forces of Nigeria assist the civil authority to provide security and maintain law and order."
Some distance away, Donald Trump smirked. He clouded his own anger. This leader of a primitive Third World country is actually pulling it off, unbelievable. He wasn't talking like a prick. Donald Trump watched the man address the press.
“As part of efforts to address emerging cases of insurgency in the country, the Nigerian Military adopted a non-kinetic counter terrorism/counter insurgency approach code-named “Operation safe corridor”, to de-radicalize, re-habilitate, and re-integrate willingly surrendered Boko-Haram members into the larger society. This programme is currently embarking on a number of projects including: skill acquisition centers and integrated farms; comprising poultry, fish pond and greenhouse farming, among others. A number of international partners, including the International Organization for Migration have contributed to the success of Operation Safe Corridor. We indicated that we would appreciate whatever support we could also get from the US.“
“We expressed gratitude for US support in the reconstruction and rehabilitation efforts in the North East of Nigeria, as well as humanitarian assistance to the Internally Displaced Persons (IDPs), through agencies such as the United States Agency for International Development (USAID) and other international partners. The USA has been to date the biggest contributor to the humanitarian response and last year gave approximately 500 million US Dollars in cash and in-kind contributions through the United Nations and other inter-governmental organizations. These have mainly supported protection activities, health, food assistance and shelter.”
“Put on the recorder.” Major Yusuf ordered the sergeant on his left. He wanted to record everything Buhari said for himself.
“We are doing all we can to secure the release of the remaining abducted school girls from Dapchi and Chibok. In this context, we will continue to welcome US collaboration in intelligence gathering, hostage negotiations and information-sharing and concerning the violence involving the herdsmen,” Buhari stopped for a moment to say something off the paper and the communicator.
“Don't even think about it, Mr. President.” Buhari froze. This voice wasn't the shivering communicator, it was gruff and calculated. Major Yusuf said, “If you deviate from the instructions you are given, you'll die instantly and I'm guessing you're wondering how is is possible. Inside you, is a nano-bomb that was slipped into your drink during the flight and is ready to detonate any moment from now. So it's advisable that you comply. Don't try anything senily stupid.”
Buhari gulped hard. Small beads of sweat formed on his forehead and temple, he thought fast and continued.
“The government is taking necessary steps to promote the peaceful co-existence of herdsmen and farmers, by focusing on boosting security and enforcing legislation that will guarantee herders and farmers access to land; And also we extended our sincere congratulations to President Trump..”
That's it, Mr. President, do what's right. Major Yusuf smile widened.
“And his government on the impressive performance of the US economy under their watch. Our aim is to diversify our own economy by focusing on agriculture and food security; power and infrastructure. We have cut the importation of rice by about 90% thereby saving a significant amount of money. We very much welcomed increased US investment in the Nigerian economy, especially in the non-oil sector. Economic relations between Nigeria and the United States are anchored on three major instruments, namely: the Bi-National Commission (BNC), Trade and Investment Framework Agreement (TIFA) and the Africa Growth and Opportunity Act (AGOA). The Bi-National Commission in particular, comprising bilateral political, economic, developmental and humanitarian partnership, is a basic economic framework for engagement between our two countries.
The radio rang to life, the sergeant communicating with Buhari was on the frequency.
“Unbelievable, sir. He complied. I thought I almost lost him there. How did you do it? What did you tell him?”
Major Yusuf smirked. “That's what you get when you suddenly realise that you're a living ticking time bomb; obedience.”
“Nigeria’s trade volume with the United States stood at $6.07 billion according to 2016 statistics and comprised $4.176 billion worth of Nigerian exports to the US and $1.894 billion US exports to Nigeria. We urged greater effort to increase these figures substantial. We thanked the US government very much for the cooperation we have received in our effort to recover stolen funds. Our two governments have put the machinery in place for their respective Attorneys-General to collaborate in ensuring the return to Nigeria of over five hundred million United States Dollars ($500) of looted funds siphoned away in banks around the world. In this connection, we congratulated the US government on launching a Kleptocracy Asset Recovery Initiative which was spearheaded by the US Department of Justice (DOJ) Asset Forfeiture and Money Laundering. We hoped that we could continue to count on US support in this area.
The Government of Nigeria remains deeply committed to the principles of human rights as well as the promotion and protection of people’s freedom, even in the process of fighting terror. We commit to ensure that all documented cases of human rights abuses are investigated and those responsible for violations held accountable for their actions.”
The applauds resounded and could be heard from where the van was, miles away. The president dismounted the podium and made it to where a dazed Trump was and shook his hand.
“That's a wrap guys! We're going home!” Major Yusuf's crackled through the radio.
