Too late or one of the first ones. Too old or too young. The only one doing it or one in a million.
I am one in a million when I compare myself to the internet. The only one when I look around me. I am too late when I look at everyone who has already made it. And ahead of time compared to the people close to me. I am doing the obvious for some and the crazy for others.
Everything seems right when I look at it from the top and wrong when I watch it from the bottom.
In one moment I think to have failed it all. And in the next one I feel like I am doing the exact right thing.
How come the exact same thing can seem right and wrong at the same time? Is it about perspective or perception? Or is it just my human capacity to “think” that disturbs my peace in the first place?
Meanwhile I like to cause on how each perception is only a fragment of what is true. And how there are at least as many perspectives as there are humans on this planet. Sometimes what gets me further than any thinking, is no thinking at all.
Or at least not my own thinking. But to listen to the thoughts of someone else. Read them if I am sitting on the top of the mountain by myself. And he mostly knows exactly what I need to hear in these moments;
“Happiness is a benign god or divine blessing. Why then, my imagination, are you doing what you do? Go away, in the gods’ name, the way you came: I have no need for you. You have come in your old habit. I am not angry with you. Only go away.” - Marcus Aurelius
It’s how my thinking gets better. When I get reminded that everything changes all the time. And everything I am is just a very little dot in an endless eternity. He makes me change the character of my thoughts. From something nervously running around in circles to quietly flying around, free.
Sometimes, though I prefer no thoughts at all. One moment of absolute quiet.
Which is what I appreciate about winter freezing the surface of the lake. Every time I stand at the edge of the water my thoughts try to escape. “Don’t do it, not this time!” Meanwhile I know I did it a hundred times and I will do it once more. I know I love doing it and I know it is the right thing to do. Just my thoughts are trying to fuck me up. It’s when I remember my truth, that I take off my close and break the ice.
If I would listen to my thoughts I wouldn’t choose the right thing to do.
If thinking is the thing that disturbed my peace in the first place. Then Maybe it shouldn’t be thinking that gets me out of the mess.
Or can the thing that hurts you also be the one to heal you?
When I think I can be anything; too old, too young, late, early. When I feel I know I am myself sometimes wrong and sometimes right, but always me. And when I am not thinking at all, I just am. One little piece, part of a frightening and beautiful universe.
What has brought you further in life so far? Thinking or not thinking? Feeling or being?
Thank you for passing by, enjoy your week!
All photos and words are owned by ©kesityu taken and written by myself. Except the quote of Marcus Aurelius.
