“How are you?” and I answer “Good.”
What a disgrace to call that storm of deep inspiration and sadness that rages through me good.
Let me attempt to do myself better justice.
It met me without warning, it’s like I stepped out of the dark forest, without seen where I was going. And at the tip of my toes there is a deep well gushing out of the depths of the earth. Crystal clear water. Ice cold. Clean, pure and violent. I glance and can only conjure its bottom, deep as far as the epicenter of the universe.
Trying to grasp infinity makes me stumble, I tip over, head first into the water, swallowing me like a hungry beast. The cold cuts off my breath and my thinking. Neither my hands nor my feet can grasp anything solid, nothing I can hold on to. The night around me is as pitch dark as the water I am immersed in. No up and no down. Floating somewhere between infinite depth and endless heights.
For one instant I am tempted to give in to panic. My mind is trying to take control. Grasp something! Anything! You need to hold on!
But I catch myself. I know I won’t drown, because I am made of the same thing I am floating in. It’s scary and yet I belong here.
My mind isn’t supposed to understand.
How I wish I could hold on. But I have to let it all go. I feel it, across all of my senses. And it fills me with so much joy to let it float past me as much as it breaks my heart into a million pieces.
I understand nothing and feel everything.
Spinning around my body takes the shape of these same wild waves the sea had brought to me this morning. Surrendering to the storm. Scared but I could never hide. Rain on my face is cooling down the tears on my cheeks.
I resurface, grasp for air. I don’t even want this to end. A longing as deep as the ocean, for something I’ll never have. And at the same time I feel free, I wouldn’t change anything at all. I don’t want anyone to show up and comfort me in this. All those waves coming over me, emotions I do not understand. And yet I feel them, fully. Scared I look into their eyes, I see the next wave coming at me in beautiful wild violence and I do not move an inch. I don’t want anyone to pull me out of the water. I don’t want anyone to save me. I wish I would. But I can’t take my eyes off that beautiful wild making me tremble with terror.
Once more I dive into the endless blue underneath to feel our oneness. Throwing my hands high up into the air, just to fall down with a scream the next second and break into a million little pieces. Still one. Still whole. Falling back together into place.
Holding myself in all of this beautiful terror I wonder what it would be like to share that dance with someone. And then I know, I would dance to the ends of the world by myself if only it would make me preserve that wildness. For nothing and no one would I ever tame the intensity of that storm.
Two big waves colliding in a big splash. Running after each other into the endless horizon. The shore standing still and strong for all the waves to break on it through all of eternity.
Nothing less.
PS: How are you really?
Everything is, as usual, felt, written and photographed by me.