Sadness Felt from the Past - February 24, 2023 (Diary)

Am I tired? Yes, I am. I am exhausted from constantly thinking about all the things I need to do. Balancing my responsibilities with my family obligations leaves me with little time to finish everything. My daily routine can be challenging, but I have grown accustomed to it. All I need is enough rest to truly relax.

Sometimes when I get tired, I find myself thinking about my past, particularly memories from my childhood. I recall moments from when I was five years old, throughout my time in elementary school and high school.

Whenever I remember these moments, I feel a sense of sadness because it has been a long time since I have been back home to my country. I miss the place where I grew up, my friends, and especially my aunts, uncles, cousins, and brothers on my mother's side.

When I feel sad like this, I want a friend to talk to who will listen because sometimes the sadness I feel brings me to tears. This is something I can't share with my wife because I don't want to burden her with my own sadness.

I have many fond memories, including the time when my grandmother (whom I consider my mother) disciplined me and when my teacher imparted valuable lessons to me. These experiences have helped shape me into a good friend and grandson to my family and friends. I don't recall ever being a bully, but I do remember being bullied and hurt by some of my classmates.

Occasionally, I would come home with bruises on my arms, legs, and even my face. When I was a child, I was overweight, and my peers would often call me a pig, which led to physical bullying. Despite the difficulties of my past, I am glad to reflect on it because it shows me how much I have grown and improved as a person. Being bullied motivated me to learn martial arts, such as Taekwondo, Wushu, and Jitkundo, to defend myself.

I have fond memories of being a strong and energetic child. I enjoyed helping my parents with tasks that required heavy lifting. Additionally, I was interested in fixing broken appliances such as TVs, electric fans, and radios, thanks to my Uncle Arnold's patient guidance. My uncle also used to accompany me outside to play basketball and go boating in a river built by the soldiers in our area.

Our place was a training ground for soldiers, and many of my family members, including my grandfather, biological father, uncle, and aunt, have served in the military.

Although my aunt wanted me to follow in the footsteps of my family and become a soldier, I declined because I knew it wasn't the right path for me and I didn't have an interest in it. Thankfully, my uncle Arnold supported my decision."

Compared to my cousins and my mother's brothers, I don't consider myself as intelligent. My grades in school were not always high, and I struggled at times. However, I have other skills that are undeniable, such as being resourceful and creative.

I also possess other positive traits, such as being friendly, loving, patient, merciful, understanding, and helpful. While I may not be conventionally attractive, I believe my personality makes me an attractive person.

I've also had the experience of being slapped in the face by a woman because she accused me of being 'numb'. I was mistaken for being gay because I had a gentle and soft-spoken demeanor. However, my strength and abilities are not always immediately apparent, and I tend to reveal them only when necessary.

I miss my close friends with whom I still have contact, even though we have our own families. Only my closest friends are the ones on whom I can truly rely in times of sadness and problems.

Sometimes there are problems that you can't share with your family or partner because you don't want to burden them, or maybe they have their own problems to deal with. Additionally, what they may share with you might be something you wouldn't like to hear.

I have more female friends than the male because the guys I've met tend to have habits that I don't like, such as smoking and drinking alcohol, and I prefer not to associate with people who engage in these behaviors. My grandfather, grandmother, uncle, and aunt raised me and taught me about the importance of taking care of my body and avoiding harmful habits that can harm my personality.

I have enjoyed playing sports since I was in elementary school, and my favorite sport is volleyball. While I don't know how to play basketball or any other ball game except for volleyball and soccer, I was on the varsity volleyball team in high school until I graduated.

After graduating from high school, I spent some time searching for my passion and thinking about how I could help my grandmother. Unfortunately, my grandmother has no capacity to support me financially in attending college. Additionally, I find it challenging to study while working, as it is difficult for me to balance both. However, I believe that everyone has their own unique strengths and abilities, and I strive to work hard and succeed in my own way.

Maybe that's all for now and honestly, I still have many stories and life experiences to share, and I want to write about them here. Whether anyone reads them or not, the important thing is that I express what I feel and lighten my mood.