My neighbor's burglar alarm goes off so often that people just ignore it. On the upside, their new plasma TV looks great in my living room.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor] Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself. Wife: Me: Will you ki Wife: I'm not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
S&M A masochist asks a sadist to hurt him, so the sadist doesn't.
Bathrooms without noisy ventilation fans make me feel unsafe