Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
what's your favorite part of Sundays, mine is staying up really late for no reason whatsoever so that I'm extra miserable all week
""Is Phil coming tonight?"" ""Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?"" *suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Sometimes I forget I'm from Florida and then I remember when I was 9, my dad had me drive the golf cart so he could get drunk on the course.
Birthdays they keep track of how long you've been alive And how long you haven't been inside a vagina