Cashier: Aww, you grocery shop so your wife doesn't have to? [flashback to me losing paper, rock, scissors] Me: Yeah, I'm sweet like that.
What does Sean Connery say when he has to go number 2? ""I've got a shituation""
- 911, what's your emergency? - My nephew just swallowed a lighter! - What's your address? - Never mind, I found some matches.
What do you call a clever repost? A riposte.
Daughter: Here you go! Me: You're my favorite. Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite! Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.