This is the question I've been asking myself, either when I'm trying to sleep, trying to fight back stinging emotions, or just trying to go about my normal day without thinking of the past occurrence of the past few weeks. My brother's passing has been difficult for me to handle, it's generally affected my health in different ways, it's hard to wake up without feeling this massive lump in my throat, this niggling chest pain, and this recurrent need to wipe off my eyes, apparently my vision is constantly blurred from having a glassy eye.
I've tried to do anything different to overcome this phase, but, the fact that he was my only immediate nuclear family member, keeps the wound alive, fresh and hemorrhaging. The fear of being alone in the world makes it feel like nothing is worth it anymore. The zeal to wake up, grab breakfast, and start the hustle of the day has faded, I mean, what's the essence of hustling if the pain of loss is bigger than any incentive to live and enjoy life? I've had to fight this orientation all my life.
My health issues made me suicidal at a young age, but I got an incredible orientation to live life irrespective of the many restrictions that come with it. It was difficult for me to conquer the mental limitations that came with my health status. As I grew older, it was easier to bemoan the ignorance of my parents. Most of the familal problems that are currently affecting me today were a result of their terrible choices back in the day, and while I believe the spiritual controls the physical, I feel that sometimes, 70% of man's problem is self-inflicted rather than spiritually or externally induced.
As for my brother's death, no one can completely explain what happened. After his accident last year, we probably failed to understand that something must've given inside his system and he probably didn't notice and created an underlying issue, which has sufficed this period. He was the healthiest in the family, not inheriting the (S) gene. He didn't have any health issues, unlike me who have been battling mine and quite well for 3 decades now. My parents didn't have a lot of children because of this, and it was a miracle to have a sibling who didn't have the genetic disorder.
He was touted to continue a healthy bloodline, and seeing the pillar of the family pass like that without having offspring creates this fear. When your pillar of dependability suddenly gives way, it creates this illusion that nothing is completely immune to life. The grief I'm going through is because of this. Knowing that the pillar of the family who carries the brightest prospect is no more, the mental exhaustion of reliving the memory of the great things he could have achieved in life. I cannot measure my grief, but I'm left with questions and doubt, and sometimes it feels like I could have done more to save him.
There's no scale to measure grief, but sometimes, I think the height of grief is when you begin to wish that you bear people's grief or take their ill luck. The past three months have been the most challenging for me, I've made the biggest mistakes of my life. I've invested wrongly, chased the wrong passion, and done incredibly terrible things to cover up for mistakes, and in the process of seeking penance, this happened. I don't know where to go from here, it's incredibly hard. I'm trying to measure how much my life has changed, but deep down, I want to be hopeful. This phase is ridiculously hurtful, but I'm hopeful, even if at the moment, it feels like it'll never pass.
