When bad things happen, people are quick to apportion blame, either self-blame or throwing the blame around on others. This is because, we often need to create justification for every action, and this justification is what helps to check our excesses.
A lot of times, ignorance is the reason why we do things that we shouldn't do, but the problem is that sometimes it (ignorance) is not enough justification especially when the consequences of what we've done cannot placated by ignorance.
Consequences are why we cannot justify ignorance
....this is why it's important to seek enlightenment and knowledge, irrespective of how difficult or expensive it is. My brother's passing has brought so many regrets and blame-apportioning.
In the first few days, I began to question if I was there enough for him or if I wasn't adequate, then I began to blame my aunt who was his primary health caregiver for not spotting any underlying health condition, then I switched the blame to my late parents who didn't do enough to establish a stable family, irrespective of their initial uncorrectable mistakes.
I began to connect the dots, doing a familal check, analyzing the family tree, spotting out their mistakes and how they all went ahead to make the same mistakes instead of learning as they advanced.
I'm a modern man, even if I do not have all the degrees to back it, I am well-read in some of the most sophisticated aspects of human phenomenon, and the retribution of pain of losing my only sibling is why I had to start from the beginning, doing a psychoanalysis and spotting how foundational mistakes is the reason why I'm where I am today.
For a while, I've decided to leave that aspect of life live free, and chase my goal of leading a healthy life, attaining small financial freedom, and having an understanding spouse, but when bad and unfortunate things happen, we apportion blame, and sometimes this leads us to unearth deep wounds, occurrences and events that we've left in the past, just so our mental health can thrive.
Losing my brother is the biggest loss ever, and I don't think there'll be anything bigger. He was part of the reasons why I'm aiming to establish stability, so I can set him up, even if he didn't meet up with some certain expectations of life.
However, there are losses we eventually go through, it takes away the drive to hustle
.....It becomes hard to see life the same way again and when we cannot see life from a hopeful scope, it can drive one to the malady of depression. A sequence of good things in life can make us see the beauty in existentialism; creating meaning, vigor, or purpose to who we are.
Nevertheless, when hurtful things happen, it feels like we're biscuits in the mouth of the universe, not knowing when something in us might crack or give.
Apportioning blame is one of the slowest ways to heal in life
because it keeps the wound in the heart fresh, although we might attain clarity and closure, but the process of healing might just be too tasking. Some people are indeed lucky in life, especially those who do not have to lose and carry the blame that they might be the reason for another person's demise, misfortune, or scar.
While I'm not totally blaming myself for what has happened, it still feels like I have to live with the pain of thinking that I should have done better to placate or create awareness for some of the familal mistakes, and put everyone in survival mode.
However, I'm continuing this journey towards recovery. Sometimes the pain hits hard when a memory strikes the nerve, and all those tears come back gushing, but nevertheless, I'll continue this journey.
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