I had an altercation with a friend days back. We both had people who we felt caused us a lot of pain in the past, and this is true. But I had decided not to end my year with anger, or pain, or spite and resentment against anyone. So, I had to go through a lot of self-therapy, asking myself a lot of hard questions that would send anyone to tears. But I forced myself to answer them because that’s how much I wanted this. How much I wanted to be free.
When I was done with the entire process, beaming with the joy of liberation that I’ve not felt in a long time; My spirit happier, my steps lighter, I told my friend I was going to bury the hatchet because the pain no longer got to me, and I was happier than ever, so I’d go be civil with those people. Maybe even go back to liking them. Cause at the back of my head, I know it wasn’t a direct witch hunt, and circumstances just made it look that way.
And so, I began. Laughing and even enjoying moments. Ignoring triggers. Genuinely laughing through everything. My friend saw this and got mad, hurt even. And I knew it was because he remembered all the pain. Everything that had happened, and felt betrayed that I was choosing to sweep everything under the rug. Pretend like it never happened. Pretend like I liked these people, when he felt that I couldn’t possibly like any of it. Any of them. He began to withdraw from me, so that according to him, he wouldn't harbour resentment against me.
But I had to make him see. Tried to, at least. That I was not pretending. I wasn’t flashing my teeth to them while swallowing bile. I was trying, genuinely trying to be at peace with them. At peace with everyone. I still had parts of me uncomfortable with who they were as individuals and as a people. However, because of the desperation I had to be free. Free from the hurt and the pain holding these people in my heart had caused me, I was willing to try. To try to see the good in them, and if not love them for it, at least tolerate them and smile with them for being themselves.
We do not realize how much power we let people have over us sometimes. Locking yourself up in a close-fit, claustrophobic cage and giving the key to another to dictate if or when you get out. Relinquishing your power over yourself to another human because you’ve let everything they do or say get to you. Because you’ve let yourself get backed into a corner by your own mind. Triggered by the very essence of someone or people who are simply living their lives, when you can just get that key back and set yourself free.
I was tired of leaving the key to my cage with others, so I took it back. Cause even if it kills me, I will protect this newfound peace. I just hate that my friend has withdrawn because he can’t get over what he feels like is sheer betrayal on my part. But if not for anything, for the sake of the new year approaching, all bad blood should remain in 2024. I can’t invalidate his feelings because he is entitled to feel the way he does, and even react the way he is doing. Cause he alone knows the depth of his pain and hurt.
But, I’m sharing this today using #freedomfriday because I feel everyone, except you’re incarcerated, can seize their freedom in some form. And when you do, you should strive as hard as possible to protect it. Like I did, and I’m doing, and I hope to keep doing. Why choose the cage when you have the choice to be free?
Images are mine.
