This post is a little breath for me, if you don't read it, it's much better... I won't deny it, I keep moving towards peace of mind every day, but eventually situations come up that take me out of myself quickly and violently. I have grown up enough to not let myself be dominated by these feelings in the street, at work, with my neighbors, but my weak point and the most difficult part of my path it seems will always be my own family.
I have asked myself many times why I live so many unpleasant situations with the people who are most important to me, and I come to the same conclusion, it is love, love is the one that wants them to be well and does not want to see them err, stumble over the same stone again and again. For some time now I have made the decision not to intervene, to be a support, but it still bothers me that they have me there, at their side, ready to cooperate, but no, it seems that they only want me as an audience to see them beat themselves up against the world, and woe to me if I give any opinion.
I'm not going to deny it, I'm very upset right now, I've been trying to fake insanity for the last few weeks to make everything flow “peacefully”. It's been 11 years living away from them, many things have changed, and the mourning has uncovered something new in each of us, but it hurts me to discover that my brother has become the kind of person I am removing from my life to achieve my inner peace. Do I have to cut him out of my life too?
Regarding my mom I think I will always have energy to give her love, gratitude, quality moments, money, whatever she wants, she deserves everything from me, but I have also questioned if that is healthy, because around her there can easily be a lot of chaos, a chaos in which she seems to be fine, because although it is easy to free herself from it, she still stays there, and invites me to be part of it.
Don't get me wrong, I have changed too, and many of the things I live today in my mother's house I initiated myself a long time ago. I got them used to a part of me that no longer exists, so the new me clashes with the old ways at home. I have always been a very strong person and able to carry the weight of the family on my shoulders, but after so many years and so many adversities we have all changed and I no longer have the strength to be a super hero of a place where I have not been called, what used to come naturally to me has disappeared this last year, and what scares me is that sometimes I don't even want to go back.
I don't want to become that person who pulls away from family, but I also don't want toxic environments and people around me, it's a complicated situation. I don't know what's wrong with my brother, I guess he fell to the ground when he was a baby, but I can't stand him, I don't like the person he is today, believe me it's something that has no name, maybe I should stay away from him until he realizes he needs help, and look for me himself I don't know, but I don't like my mom living with him, he doesn't seem like the ideal person to accompany anyone, and less my great treasure... Yes, it's something I can't control and I must let go, but we are united by blood, only time will tell how things will work from now on, but for the moment I just want to return to my normal life in the Capital, even if the price of my peace of mind is so high 😞 Don't comment on this post please, I just wanted to vent.